The Top 10 Best Vegan Food Blogs To Follow 2020
(Famous vegan blogs & stars on the rise)
The Top 10 Best Vegan Food Blogs To Follow 2020 are my personal selections (outside of my very own food galley gab of course – lol). They’ve been chosen because I’ve tried many recipes that I’ve loved, they have great pictures, a clean good-looking blog face that is easy to navigate, and they have easy to read vegan recipes. If I used other criteria for this post, etc., I’d have a somewhat different list. These vegan blogs are also vegan only, as they do not, or no longer post vegetarian recipes. A lot of lists post popular “vegan” bloggers that actually post both veggie and vegan recipes. Not this list! You’re getting some seriously famous vegan food blogs with other vegan food blogs that are on the rise, or certainly should be!
It was truly tough coming up with my top 10 best vegan food bloggers in 2020. There are SO many amazing vegan blogs and bloggers out there right now that I could easily do a list of 50 plus; however, not that meet my criteria for this list. Also, I know when I do research for vegan bloggers like this, I HATE going through a list that large. I think it’s easiest to simply look through a list of ten and start there.
There are other vegan food bloggers that I would’ve loved to have added to this list but their blogs are pretty terrible! The blogs’ themes (think template) are awful, the pictures aren’t always great, and they are not easy to navigate. A lot of these vegan food bloggers I’m referring to gained their fame and popularity from Instagram. I guess they don’t need a dope blog, too? Who knows?! Anyway, I hope you check out my personal list of The Top 10 Best Vegan Food Blogs To Follow 2020! They’re awesome!
The Top 10 Best Vegan Food Blogs To Follow 2020
*CLICK ON THE NAME OF THE BLOG BELOW TO BRING YOU DIRECTLY TO THEIR PAGE
1 – Oh She Glows: This is my #1 choice (as is for many other posts about top vegan bloggers). Her recipes NEVER disappoint, her photos are the bomb, and she has such a huge selection of vegan recipes so you can always find something you are looking for. Most of her recipes are plant-based and she doesn’t like to use processed foods. Oh She Glows is also the author of 3 very successful (and amazing) vegan cookbooks.
2 – Olives for Dinner: She so faaannncy! Her blog is beautiful! Her food is beautiful! Her photography is beautiful! And, her food? Sometimes fancy and always delicious. This is a must-see vegan food blog if you haven’t already checked it out.
3 – Post Punk Kitchen – Guys! This is THE Isa Chandra Moskowitz’s vegan food blog! Author of 9, yes 9, amazing vegan cookbooks. My vegan bible is “Veganomicon.” Her blog is as amazing as her cookbooks. Delicious pictures and delicious recipes.
4 – Vegan Yack Attack – This is a gorgeous blog! Super easy to navigate, tons of out-of-this-world recipes, and some serious bomb-ass photography! She has 4 cookbooks, too. A vegan blog not to be missed.
5- Bianca Zapatka – This girl is awesome! Not only is her blog super pretty with some amazing photography (I love her colors and editing style), but her recipes are absolutely delish! She has 3 cookbooks available. If you haven’t heard of her yet, check out her vegan blog ASAP!
6 – Make It Dairy Free – This awesome vegan blog couple are totally adorable with delicious vegan recipes! They have a great mix of foods, loads of desserts, and are vegan stars on the rise. Their blog is really easy to navigate which is a must for me. Check out them out!
7- Vancouver with Love – This woman’s blog both looks delicious and IS delicious! Great photos, great layout, incredible recipes, and is rising in vegan food blog fame. You will want to eat everything you see! So good!
8 – The Cheeky Chickpea – There are so many delicious and hearty recipes on this blog! The variety is endless and her sauces are amazing! If you haven’t wandered over to check out this vegan blog goodness, do it now!
9 – Green Evi – I LOVE her blog page! Amazing photography and totally incredible and creative vegan recipes that require few ingredients. She’s totally adorable, lives in Germany, and has loads of delicious vegan dope-ness ready for you to eat!
10 – Avocado Centric – This girl has some seriously incredible recipes, an easy to read blog, and, like Green Evi, simply totally adorable. A beautiful and delicious vegan blog that has to be added to your go-to list of vegan blogs.
*CHECK OUT SOME OF MY MOST POPULAR VEGAN RECIPES! (CLICK ON POST NAME BELOW TO GO DIRECTLY THERE)
(Click this title) – My 5 Most Popular Vegan Entrées!
*The featured image on this post is by Free To Use Sounds on Unsplash
Dear Santa, Letter (for adults)
Dear Santa,
I know, I know, this year has passed by SO quickly. I can still feel the pen on my paper from last year’s letter. I won’t pretend it has been easy, Santa. I’m not intentionally selfish when I complain about my first-world problems. Alas, they are problems, they are mine, and yes, they are relative to the world around me. The beauty of first-world living also dampens them, and no, I don’t mean a roof over my head and clean drinking water — blah, blah, blah. I mean Lexapro and Wellbutrin. God bless America, sir.
As I age, my wants and needs, my desires and passions, have shifted and swayed into a world, or a cacophony, of the runniest stacked steaming pile of shit that would put an elephant’s two-ton pile of poop to shame. The stench and the steam are so incredibly toxic to your dear old olfactory senses (you know, the ones you’ve trained so diligently for years to develop the perfect palette for sipping life’s ultimate necessity, wine) that they are now tainted with a runny, stinky, steaming, pile of shit.
Now that I’ve ever-so-appropriately set the stage for you to fully grasp, fully understand, that my world, dearest Santa, is not at all the peppermint bark, jingle jangle, elf singing, toy loving, reindeer flying, three-hundred-and-sixty-five-days-a-year Christmas caroling, and Angels We Have Heard on High, It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year, Christmas perfection, you can officially read this letter through the lens of a woman, who needs some serious Santa sugar.
In the past, I’ve asked for things like Brad Pitt, world peace, 500 acres, a small country to call my own, etc., but no, not this year, Mr. Claus. This year, I have adjusted my wishes to set a more realistic tone for my child to observe and be proud of as he ages.
Santa baby, if it’s okay to call you that, I’ve packed on some serious pounds over the past two years.
Side note: To that point, if you need a new Misses, I am ready for a ride on Santa’s sleigh, if ya know what I mean.
I could really use a Sven or Fabio, or someone strong sounding, to work me into some serious shape, to take off some of those serious lbs. Thanks.
I’d ask for world peace; however, I don’t think you’re in the business of annihilation in the form of mass murders. We all know we’ve got quite the list we’d have to hit to accomplish such an insurmountable task (D.T., K.J.U., etc.). However, keep it on the back burner, will ya? Thanks. Next, I’d like Botox twice a year for the rest of my life. I would also like a breast lift that will knock out those twenty-year-old hoes by both sight and physical contact and a cellulite remover that actually works. Get those elves up on that shit, please. I would also like permanent eyelash extensions that won’t somehow give me eye cancer by 2030. Of course, Imelda Marcos’ shoe collection — in size nine. Yes, my feet, they’ve grown with my body.
Santa, can we make America great again? Like, for real? None of these asinine falsehoods from MAGA. Can we run an internment camp where all of the extremists who don’t let people speak the truth, or poke fun at the horror in this world, or who accept that freedom of speech needs a safe space for their souls, yet they-won’t-let-people-they-don’t-care-to-hear-speak-their-truths-have a microphone, outwardly showing their hypocrisy like the dumbass college-aged students they are or are acting like?
Side note: That was my most favorite run-on sentence of the year, and I have many.
Can we corral all those fucks up together on an island called, I don’t know, say, Alcatraz or Molokai? If not, I am willing to give up the small country that I had previously requested as a place of internment for said fucks. Lastly, to this point, can we let people like me take their diatribes and give them a venue for listening ears? Thanks, man. Is it okay to call you “man?” I’m feelin’ like we’re developing this type of rapport with one another. I’m diggin’ our vibe.
Better credit. Like, the best. I need it — badly. How else will I purchase my perfect desert home in Joshua Tree? Are you still “in” with the IRS? Don’t worry; I’ll keep it on the down low. That means “secret.” Not sure how up-to-date you are with the lingo of these crazy kids in this crazy climate.
TRIBE. Can we please take that word back? It truly means something, and it has been decimated by the devils of social media that be. Now people all over FB (that’s Facebook, Santa) and Instagram are messaging anyone and everyone in a continuous manner to “join their tribe of ladies on the path to a better body, soul, brain, belly button, nose, elbow, and earlobe.” I mean, it’s almost as bad as my old boss who hated “the gays” and responded to a FB post where red was the color of a local pride parade by stating, “Oh great, they’ve taken the rainbow already, now they’re taking the color red, too?! They’ve gone too far.” Though I disagree with her sentiments, I do believe I would like to have the word “tribe” back in its rightful home. Thanks, jolly old man.
Dearest, dearest, darling, divine, dependable, distinguished, dutiful (and all other adjectives that begin with “d” that are delightful), Santa Claus. Can you, will you, please, please, pretty, pretty, please, bring me to the end of my dramatic, dysphoric, disturbing, diabolical, demented divorce? Can we end it all with a group of cheerleaders chanting, “Gimme a D! D! You got your D, you got your D. Gimme an I! I! You got your I, you got your I,” and so on? I’ll run down a football field shouting, “I’m freeeeeeee!!! With two bottles of the finest French champagne spouting out of the top, like Old Faithful on its finest day, all over me, flowing through my lips, and when I reach the finish line, the ghosts of Christmas past will fly away into the abyss, and I will never feel haunted again. And Santa, I’d like it to go down exactly like that, please.
On a lighter note, I’d be remiss if I didn’t ask you for the one thing the ladies of the world are craving, an internal vibrator. One that a mere Kegel would turn on at any moment. I’m talkin’ a real, hit the g-spot every time, orgasm of the year every time, kinda device that is so perfectly designed by your most couture elves, who know their way around a clitoris, that is placed in a pussy ever-so-perfectly, and doesn’t need to be replaced for at least five years. And Santa, I’m more than willing to be the test pilot on this one. I’ll happily take one for the team. Thanks.
I’d also really love a two-week stint in some sort of establishment that mirrors a spa. This past year has taken its toll on me, and I desperately need some peace and quiet in a sanctuary where no one can contact me or find me for approximately fourteen days. A place where the world stops spinning on its axis, where the sky is always blue, and the sun is always bright. A place where there are endless amounts of delicious and healthy foods to clean my gut, detoxifying teas to rid me of my toxic year, horses to ride daily, meditations twice a day, calming and beautiful music with the sounds of waterfalls flowing through my ears, and of course, I would not be too terribly upset if we ended the day in some sort of “fun tea.”
However, NO FUCKING WEIRDOS, please! The place that I’ve just described houses the freakiest shaved head, I’m an earth goddess, my name is Moonbeam, and my spirit name is Sunshine, the dirt sings through the air a story of the past (which, yes, I believe, but not in an airy-fairy way), I only eat food that has fallen off a tree on its lonesome, and welcome to my tribe, kind of freaky-deeky, fucks. No. I want cool bitches (oh yes, no men allowed), who have been rocked by life a little too hard but are tough, down-to-earth (not, I am the earth — which we are, but stay with me here), badass bitches to rock this journey with me. Then, we’ll all leave in the back of a sexy farmer’s pickup truck for a day of wine tasting in Napa Valley. Thanks, Kringle.
I’d also really love 300 acres of amazing property using the most up-to-date methods of regenerative farming, an instant pot, a Le Creuset set in red, a microbiome that just won’t quit (it’s simply too legit — pick up what I’m puttin’ down, St. Nick?), Jimmy Choo heels, and a trip down Fifth Avenue with Anna Wintour, in which I get to have the personalized shopping trip of my dreams. Think “Pretty Woman.” Thank you.
I want to go back to Cambodia. I’d also like to consume happy pizza daily and go back to see Ta Prohm. While in Asia, I’d like a first-class flight, or I’m happy to ride with you, “Santy,” on your sled way up in the sky. Talk about the mile-high club! Hot damn! Our destination? Boracay, Philippines — My most favorite vacation spot on earth.
Now, jolly old man, I must state my disappointment in something. I’ve been asking for a Ferrari for approximately ten years now yet my driveway still provides a cold and lonely home for my Kia Optima. She’s treated me well over the years; however, I can’t help but see a shiny red Berlinetta ripping out of my driveway, blonde hair blowing in the wind, and flirting with every human I deem “flirtable” while cruisin’ down the 101. That, sir, is how I’ll get my sexy back.
I realize this may seem like a lot, jolly fella. I must state again, with a mighty emphasized voice and tone, reminding you that it’s been a long, challenging, and brutally trying year. I’ll be the milk to your cookies, Santa baby.
Love always and forever, you sexy old beast,
Heather XOXO
Thanksgiving Trivia & Ramblings
Thanksgiving Trivia & Ramblings is a repost from last year. I love games, trivia included, during holidays with friends or family. Below is some Trivia about this crazy day of eating, drinking, and everything-ing in excess.
I remember the second Thanksgiving I celebrated in Beijing. I had taken the Wednesday off from work so that I could prepare food and drinks for approximately 20-25 people. It was fucking nuts! I started at about 9AM on Wednesday morning and went straight through until about 11 PM – solo. And what’s even more nuts, is that I totally loved every second of it! I had the apartment to myself, I drank wine, listened to music, and got my daily dose of ‘therapy’ in – hardcore. Cooking = therapy. Hands down. I wasn’t even thinking about the fact that almost everyone who was attending my party had never celebrated Thanksgiving. There were about 3 Americans, a few Canadians (who celebrate their own Thanksgiving about one month prior to ours), and a bunch of Brits, Australians, and some other randoms. Mind you, at the time, I was vegetarian (since I was 8); now vegan. Therefore, everyone chowed down sans Turkey. I made my stepdad’s awesome ‘meatloaf,’ pumpkin mac n’ cheese, au gratin potatoes, mashed potatoes, mushroom gravy (oh how I miss the variety and cheapness of shrooms in China), stuffing (homemade), cranberry sauce (homemade), roasted maple veggies (brussel sprouts, carrots etc), and my mothers fall salad – mesclun greens, candied pecans, blue cheese, shredded carrot, sliced red grapes, and diced apples topped with a homemade honey dijon dressing. SO GOOD! For drinks, we had mulled wine, beer, and wine. I decorated the apartment with laminated pictures of funny Thanksgiving facts/images, and we had a Thanksgiving game (I remember making it but I don’t remember what it was). It was one of my best parties that I threw whilst in BJ. In these reflective moments, I actually do miss it! In fact, it was probably my best Thanksgiving ever. Sorry, fam! 😉 And, my foreign friends fucking loved the shit out of it! Happy T-day, everyone! For a vegan Thanksgiving menu, click the title below:
The BEST Vegan Thanksgiving Menu
-FGG
*Featured image by, Icebreaker Ideas (Click to bring you to link with more Thanksgiving Trivia questions)!
THANKSGIVING TRIVIA
1- What is the real reason people get so tired after eating on Thanksgiving?
2- Who thought the turkey should be America’s representative bird?
3- Which president wouldn’t declare Thanksgiving a holiday due to his strong belief between separation of church and state?
4- What was the name of the ship that the religious separatists set sail on from Plymouth?
5- Which US state consumes the most turkey on Thanksgiving?
6- Which turkey actually ‘gobbles:’ Male or female?
7- What is the name of the most famous Native American to have helped the Pilgrims?
8- What year was the first Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade?
9- What does the US president do every year for Thanksgiving?
10- Where were the pilgrims meant to land?
Click on ‘more’ for the answers!
Halloween for Adults: Your Dos & Don’ts
Let’s face it, Halloween is the best time of year for your inner-child to come out and play. Here are some dos and don’ts for your Halloween experience this year, like, being creepy, but not land yourself in jail kind of creepy and ending up on some registry, scoring the best candy (I mean, not that shit that’ll take out your dentures or aging teeth), getting wasted on pumpkin beer and Halloween cocktails (yes, there are MANY), and picking the perfect costume (no Disney princes or princess’ welcome here – grow the fuck up!). Happy haunting, kids. Here’s to finding your loophole to youth.
DO
- Wear makeup or a mask to avoid the heckling of teenage assholes and the “what the’s” from adults with no soul who opens the door and dare to not give you candy (you know where they live, am I right?)
- Throw some eggs at that vile teenager next door who kicked your cat and called you fat. DISCLAIMER: Getaway vehicle, preferably something with a motor, needed. Our knees and backs hurt. Those fuckers are stupid but fast
- MUST: Do NOT dare go trick-or-treating sans alcohol. We may be old but we’re not masochists! Plus, everything is funnier when drunk. Especially your dumb neighbor’s toupee and their kid’s lazy eye
- Play hide-and-go-seek in a graveyard. It’s still fun (remember, you’re adults, in costumes, drinking in a graveyard. FUN). While there, pick a plot for you and a loved one. Just saying, the clock’s not moving backward, friends
- Scare the shit out of a random stranger. Not too young, that’s just cruel. Not too old, their heart is at risk. A viable option: some mangy teenager who farted in your general direction will do.
- Go to where the rich people live. Or, your local mafia houses. Guaranteed to not get candy corn, Clark Bars, Charleston Chews, or anything taffy (remember, you are old and so are your teeth). Almost always guaranteed to get king-sized candy bars. Score!
- Watch Freddie, or Jason, or those crazy kids in the cornfields or under the stairs movies and drink spiced rum and apple cider while you’re already toasted from drinking and trick-or-treating with face makeup running down your face and old farts partaking in all the glory using run-on sentences because you’re so drunk and you think that it’s really funny because you’re so old
DON’T
- Bring your friend who has kids or borrow their kid to go trick-or-treating. This is about YOU reliving your youth. Don’t squander this once a year opportunity by bringing the rug rats. Plus, they’ll out cute you in every way and make you look a little bit too tall
- Wear any costume a Disney character has worn, a twenty-one-year-old would wear (slutty firewoman, nurse…). Gravity is real, lest we not forget. Men, well, hide your beer belly and shave your beard – dead give-away
- Stay in all night and hand out candy. Get the fuck outta the house and start ringing some goddamn bells, friends! It’s called “please take one”
- Watch children’s Halloween movies. Unless it’s Charlie Brown and the Great Pumpkin because, duh! That was our time, folks. And, Charles M. Schulz will always rock
- Be sober. I repeat, DON’T BE SOBER. Scaring children, ridiculous cult movies, and trick-or-treating is a lot more fun when drunk. Remember, you only live once and you spent all of your youth doing it sans booze. This year, you’re a booze bag… and don’t you forget it!
- Get so drunk that you start crying on your friend’s shoulder about how you miss your childhood and that being an adult is scary and hard. NO! Halloween is supposed to be scary. Not your fucking divorce or stupid marketing job. #growthefuckup
- Complain that you’ve had too much sugar. Man up
- Bob for apples. That should NEVER have been okay. Disgusting… just absolutely, totally, mind-blowingly, freakin’ disgusting. Hello, influenza!
Okay, now that you know the dos and don’ts of this crazy thing we call Halloween, get out there and start your wild rumpus! Uuhh… I mean, go out there and stir some shit up, yo!
The Resurrection of FGG
This blog post is to announce the resurrection of FGG and why the hell I’ve been gone for so long. It’s been a crazy fucking ride since my last post (Easter!), and a boat load of things have happened to me and my life in this seemingly short, yet incredibly long, period of time.
Why did I stop posting? Well, from May-June, my work life was INSANE. I had 4 separate concerts, a talent show, and was taking classes for my admin program – as “luck” would have it, the most challenging course I have ever taken in my life. On top of that, I was trying to keep up with my blog, newsletters, podcast, and photography. Not to mention, I’m a mom. I see approximately 700 students twice/week and then run home to my four year old, Greyson – the cutest thang since the Care Bears. 😉 For a week in early May, my body felt super out of whack. It felt like it was preparing for a heart attack. For real. Then, one day, after work, I was playing corn hole with my lil’ Care Bear, and suddenly felt numb. I felt tingling all over my body, was pale white, and about to faint. I sat down and told my husband at the time (yup, that story is coming, so just stay tuned) that I was having a heart attack. After an ER trip, an EKG that “was not pristine,” to quote my amazing doctor, and complete numbness on the left side of my body, shoulder to toe, a slew of intense tests, and my husband yelling at me in the room (yeah, he was always good at doing that when I was sick or in the hospital), and the possibility of a small stroke, it turned out to be a panic attack. Now, if you’ve never experienced one you simply cannot relate, you just can’t. I now know what a heart attack would feel like – for real. My body manifests stress in a craaazzzzy way. It’s very physical for me. When I went to see my doc a few days later for a follow-up, she asked me about my life. When I told her my day-to-day, week-to-week, she seemed genuinely stunned. She then asked me if I could “stop doing some of those many things that I do.” I was fucking agast! I was like, “I was just blogging on my computer whilst waiting for this appointment!” However, she was right. Something had to give. So, the blog, photography, newsletters, and podcast had the brakes put on. The clincher was social media. I went full on MIA. I have to say that it actually felt fucking great. Today will be my first day back on social media since around the time of my last blog post.
I thought that all of that shit, all of that shedding of self, had helped, but only a bit. I was still frazzled and began experiencing anxiety, my old foe, 7 days a week. WTF?! I shed that shit 7 years ago! It was the fucking tumor that I finally cut out after suffering my entire life from it! My meds weren’t even carrying the slack at this point. So, I survived the rest of the school year (I’m a music teacher) and reevaluated my life. My sister, her 3 YO, and her mastiff were living in my house, as she was getting a well-needed divorce. This is when I, too, realized that I was next in line for a well-needed divorce. Things between my ex and I had been “off” since before Greyson was born when we were still living in China. He deserves someone far more suited to his personality, his political beliefs, and his hobbies. That person is not me. And, I deserve the same.
Fast forwarding, I went away for ten days in the beginning of the summer, got back, got an apartment, moved out days later, and now am in the midst of a shitty divorce. Writing and blogging are two fantastic outlets for me. So, I figured, it’s time to hop back on the bandwagon. I’ve adjusted my work schedule a bit so it’s a tad more conducive to my sanity, I have a two-bedroom apartment to tend to as opposed to a gigantic house and garden, though I miss my garden daily, I have started meditating again and gone back to the gym, so, I hope that I am able to keep up my blogging etc. I’ve casually, and I mean very casually, started writing another book (check out my link above in “My books!”), this time about my life. It’s been a WILD ride since I’ve been born. I’m calling it, “F is for F**k.” I thought my next book would be a humorous tale about motherhood again, but alas, all of these ideas for my bio have been flooding my brain.
To end this post, I won’t promise I’m totally back because I have to see how this fits into my new life, but I hope to be posting weekly with recipes and lots of Heather “gab.” Cheers to a new and fresh start!
Some pics of my summer:
Social Media Mania
Social Media Mania is a post about why we love social media, but on the flip side, why we hate social media. Also, the manic effects that we often face. I’m not going to get into how human relationships have changed due to technology and social media, that’s a HUGE topic for another post… and, a good debate. I’d love to hear peoples’ thoughts and opinions on the topic so please, leave comments and let’s start a thread.
Okay, I can never have a successful blog, best selling books, or a popular podcast without the use of social media – and I mean, InSaNe social media connections, and followers, which in turn leads to sponsors, which then leads to the possibility of ultimate success. To attain this God-like status? This seemingly incredible career? A full-time job involving the use of: Every. Single. Social. Media. Platform. And, by full-time I mean: all day, every platform – connecting, posting, responding, liking… So… now let’s be serious, you’ll probably need to pay for search engine optimization (SEO), run ad campaigns on Google & Facebook at the very least, and eventually have a vlog.
If you’re not looking for some sort of branding success via blogs, vlogs, podcasts, and books, and you’re simply using it for “human connection,” kinda like the early days of Myspace & Facebook, you’ll still get sucked into a very similar vortex: Social Media Mania. Below, I’ve written an acrostic poem about the emotions and effects that are often attributed to the overuse of social media. Using social media as a business, I am WILDLY overwhelmed with the frequency in which I must post, reply etc. I can be obsessive about it and then have to completely remove myself for my own sanity. However, using social media as an everyday individual just looking to keep up with my friends’ lives, I feel a sense of anxiety. It was my birthday last Thursday, and it took me over 24 hrs to go onto FB to “like” and reply to all of the birthday responses. I am not quite sure why, but the thought of logging on to do so was incredibly overwhelming and gave me anxiety. So crazy! Of course, I LOVE seeing some of my friends’ kids, vacations etc, but on the other side of that coin are the false vanities that are presented – daily. The ultimate life facade. I don’t really love social media, just like it, and only when I use it infrequently. I’ve talked with soooo many people about this topic. The poem below sums up the negative feelings that my friends and myself have experienced and do experience. Of course that’s not to say that there aren’t benefits and joy to be had! However, that’s not the purpose of this post. Again, please comment! -FGG
*FEATURED IMAGE FOUND ON INGOODCOMPANYPROJECT.ORG
AN ACROSTIC POEM CALLED SOCIAL MEDIA – BY, HEATHER RUGILE
SELF-CONSCIOUS
OBSESSIVE
COMPULSIVE
INFERIOR
ANXIOUS
LABORIOUS
MANIC
ENVY
DELUSIVE
INADEQUATE
ADDICTIVE
FGG’s Favorite Fashion Styles of 2019
FGG’s Favorite Fashion Styles of 2019!!! And, of course, my least favorite. 😉 Honestly, I love the art of the runway. The beautiful clothes and makeup that mostly, would never be worn off of a runway in that fashion. It’s incredibly creative, breathtakingly beautiful, and artistically advanced for one’s time… or so I believe.
I LOVE me some good style! I love it soooo much that I’ve forced myself into doing Beach Body. Why? You may ask. Well, because I myself want to be donning these amazing styles in 2019! As you’ve probably heard me say, more than once, I desperately miss my wardrobe. The beautiful cloth, colors, patterns… I could go on in this dramatically ridiculous style, but I won’t. 😉 Some of my wardrobe still has tags attached to them. The quickness in which I gained weight is unparalleled. Okay, let me have my dramatic license back. But seriously, it was incredibly rapid. I woke up one day, looked in the mirror, saw a picture of myself, and was like, “what the fuck shit is THIS?!?!” Then I died about a thousand deaths. Fast forwarding, switched meds, curbed appetite, lost 15 lbs, and then the universe (my body) pressed pause. Summer is on the horizon. Yeah, it’s February, however, we all know that we blink and voila! It is among us. I refuse to hibernate in my mother’s house in NY this summer – again. Avoiding friends, old classmates etc due to my horrifying embarrassment of said fatness. Fuck that. I will be back to my usual 135 and will truly embrace it. I will finally feel thankful to be that weight. I am swearing to myself that I won’t think I still need to shed some lbs. Crazy in hindsight!
Anyway, back to Beach Body (BB). The 21 day fix. This is where I’m at. As my friend Angella quite aptly put it, “Do a blog post tonight called, ‘Am I crazy for buying colored Tupperware and thinking it will change my life?!'” LOL. If you don’t know anything about BB, the colored Tupperware reference is hilarious. BB gives you multiple colored Tupperware in various sizes for your portions and for specific food groups. They make it easy. Also, depressing. I almost began flapping my wings and tweeting aloud until I realized, “Shit, I’m almost a bird, and these are human sized portions. Well, I guess that’s better than being a whale! Unless of course we were taking about the afterlife, reincarnation, in that case, I choose ‘whale.'” I’ll let you know how it all progresses. I am envisioning myself in these dope drapes below as major inspo for my old bod back. 😉 Are you in the same boat? Leave a comment and let’s start a conversation! -FGG
PS- I am choosing this song b/c damn! I definitely have “more back” than ever before. That part, I can live with. 😉
MY FAVORITE STYLES OF 2019!!!
SEQUINS, HIPPIE, FRINGE, CAPES, EARLY 90’S/VALLEY GIRL/NEON, COWGIRL, 80’S SLEEVES, PUFF SHOULDERS, NEUTRAL/KHAKI
*IMAGE FROM VOGUE
*IMAGE FROM VOGUE
*IMAGE FROM ELLE
(THE FEATURED IMAGE FOR THIS POST IS NEON – FROM VOGUE)
*IMAGE FROM WWD
*GIF FROM ELLE
*CHRISTIAN VIERIG/GETTY IMAGES
MY LEAST FAVORITE FASHION STYLES OF 2019
CRAZY COUTURE, SCARF PRINTS, BUILT-IN LAYERING, GRAPHIC STRIPES
*GIF FROM ELLE
*IMAGE FROM WWD
*IMAGE FROM VOGUE
“Transportation” in Beijing
Okay, so this is a chapter from my book, “Crazy China Sh**.” Click HERE for a link to the book on Amazon. Driving around this city by motorbike, taxi, tuk-tuk, rickshaw, bicycle, or shit! Even your feet! Was a crazy experience… especially when you first arrive. I was an expat who taught at an international school for 5 years in Beijing. The chapter below will give you a direct lens into the insanity of transportation in this city… along with some humor, of course. 😉 Enjoy! Happy Friday!
PS- I chose the video below for a few reasons. One, because I first heard it last week on the opening scene for Bosch, season 3. I instantly googled it and fell in love. I looked for sheet music online but alas, nada. So, now I’m going to have to learn it by ear. Ugh. The song is titled, “Going Home.” China was my home for 5 years. As more time passes (I’ve been back in the US for 2 1/2 years now), I miss it more and more. I came back to OR because I loved it here when I lived in Portland from 2006-2009. It was the only place that ever felt like a real home. Trying to make roots now… this can be hard for someone like me. 😉 Anyway, enjoy this incredibly beautiful tune.
PPS- Sorry! Since Nimbus themes has updated my Foodblogger Pro theme, it has totally screwed up WordPress. I can barely scroll, can’t add media (have to do it manually), the blocks are absurd, and cannot insert a “read more” tag, which is what I was wanting to do here. If you are looking for a theme for your blog, steer very clear of Foodblogger Pro. It was great, and now, it blows. I’ll be changing my theme very soon. A facelift for the blog! 😉
Chapter 6
The Ol’ R9 & Other Forms of Transport
Right, so if you’re a Beijing expat, you already understand where exactly this is going. At first, I thought to myself, “Awesome! You totally get to ride a motorbike and look super f’ing sweet whilst doin’ it!” My inner badass biker, or for some, chic and cool European, self came flooding out. Now this is already after the fact that I quickly—very, very quickly—came to realize that taxis were and are a waking nightmare. My favorite thing is when people insist they never get picked up because they’re a foreigner. Honestly, ninety-nine percent of the time, I’d call bullshit on that. This chapter, summed up in a polite sentence, would ring out: “Taxis, tuk-tuks, bikes, OH MY!”
There were so many times when the taxi driver would ask you where you’re going, and then tell you, “No,” in Chinese, of course (reminder: taxi drivers, store clerks, and most people here do not speak a lick of English… a lick…). Why, you ask? Well, because they’re not going that way. I was not under the impression that taxi drivers had “a way” they were going. In Beijing, apparently they do. The first time I got in a taxi here, I thought I was going to die. Where was the seat belt? Why were we going so unbelievably fast and weaving in and out of traffic (on the highways, during the times it wasn’t a parking lot). Why is the taxi driver almost falling asleep? (One time, I got out because he pretty much did, in the middle of an intersection.) Why, oh why is this stench so horrid that hanging my head out of the window like a dog is the only recourse? Not every taxi stinks, but, oh Lord, so very many do! I am also extremely sensitive to smell. Once, my husband, who literally can’t smell shit, said, “I gotta get out of this taxi… now. I’ve really got to get out. I’m going be sick.” If you knew him, you’d know that actually meant something.
To be fair, the taxi drivers in Beijing are grossly underpaid and overworked. Their hours are horrifying (hence why so many look like they’re going to pass out… they are!). I’ve seen so many drivers sleeping with their feet out the window on the side of the road. I always think to myself, “Man, that sucks!” I’ve had some pretty funny and entertaining taxi rides as well. Some amazing folk drive around here, for sure! For me, they’ve helped create a culture that I consider to be Beijing.
Tuk-tuk? What the heck is that? It is what looks like a box of metal placed on top of motor bike, with fumes that could choke the life out of your brain cells; crumble in a crash, leading to a horrendous death; and try to extort you on a foreign price for a ride. But damn, I love them! They are the quickest, and often the most efficient, way to get around Beijing, as long as you’re not going too far. However, when I was pregnant, I made a very conscious effort not to take them because of the crazy-ass fumes. Again, there were no seat belts, sometimes no door on one side, or a broken door, and a seat cushion that isn’t attached and often has you sliding around. In my opinion, it’s really only comfortable for one person. They’re wildly unsafe and also illegal (the government sometimes has a week or two where they crack down on them), but they’re super stinkin’ handy in a jam, especially if you’re waiting at night in Sanlitun for a taxi ride. Oy vey! Good luck! There are also rickshaws (like a carriage but pulled by a very weak bicycle with a motor), but you really can’t be going very far, and they are only around in very populated areas such as Sanlitun.
Oh, our good ol’ R9’s! For those of you who are reading this and are not a fellow Beijing expat, let me explain. The R9 is the most popular of motor bikes that expats typically drive. There is also this other super cool lookin’ one that people drive, but it is nameless. Anyway, the issue with the R9 is that it is gas operated. Why is this an issue, you ask? Well at first, it wasn’t, not at all when we arrived in 2011. However, since the government has cracked down on illegal bikes, it most definitely is an issue. All of a sudden, two out of three gas stations would turn us down for gas. You needed to have a bike license. Then the expat response was to go and buy a fake license. This worked six out of every ten times until it simply almost never worked. This is when my hubby and many others discontinued their sweet, badass ride. Many lovely issues occurred, being a fine owner of an R9. The throttle would get stuck while driving, the engine would stop running, or as my friend put it, “sound like he rode to school with little mice in the engine,” and a variety of other super unsafe issues.
My ultimate favorite incident happened back in 2012. Our very good friend (J), decided to lighten the day with a ridiculously humorous email regarding the good ol’ R9. Below are the delightful email transactions that made my afternoon.
Dear Sir/Madam,
I have been in possession of an R9 for a month now. It is still sweeping through the streets of Beijing like a Chinese Ducati. I believe this qualifies it for inclusion in your top ten of longest running R9s. It has an amazing 433 kms on the clock. Unfortunately, I have hit a problem.
To judge by the noise coming from the rear of my fine craft, a small family of field mice have taken up residence in the rear wheel arch. The only way to silence them, for about half a kilometre at best, is to slam over a speed hump or pothole as fast as one’s bollocks can stand.
I wondered if this was a common fault on the R9 and if there is a known solution. I am thinking of introducing a large cat, preferably from a family of distinguished “ratters,” to the rear half of the bike in the hope that this solves the problem.
Best regards,
J
I believe that you should find a cat that is specifically not “distinguished” LOL. I think you’ve really stuck it to Ducati this morning as well. They’ll be reeling over this comparison all morning… not very nice, J. 😉
-H
I must say that some of the cats I’ve seen around Beijing look the furthest thing from distinguished.
-T
Is it sad to say that this ridiculous yet funny conversation is most likely going to be the highlight of my workday?
-H
I’ve missed these sorts of emails and conversations since we’ve left. We actually had one between the three of us the day I wrote this. I’ve made some pretty good friends here and certainly have had some more than entertaining moments—many of them on the ol’ R9.
I, myself, wanted a bike as well. A few months after Thomas purchased his, I went and got the bike that I deemed to be the coolest, cutest, most badass, most functional bike for myself. A Vespa. Haha. I kid, I kid, not a real Vespa, a Chinese fake Vespa, of course! Betty (my buttercup yellow “Vespa”) cost me a pretty penny. I kid, I kid, yet again. The bitch was dirt cheap. She ran me about USD 350. I love her, and I’ve missed her dearly since I left. Every time I hop on to get to work, I lose another piece of her. She’s been falling apart at the seams forever but is still totally kickin’ it. “Yes she can!” Tribe Called Quest reference (for you cool folk). And she does (insert wink here). Anyway, she is an electric bike, so I have no issues with gas or the cops, only distance. One of the best moments that Betty and I have shared together was when I was driving to work, and I noticed my throttle stopped working. No worries, it started again. “Wait, it stopped again while crossing the intersection at Yaojayuan. Oh shit. Going to brake. Wait, what? My left brake is now working as my throttle when engaged? Holy shit! Is this amazing or terrifying? Oh well, I can get to work at least.” This is the inner dialogue that became so stupidly normal but should not have been even remotely okay. Yes, I finally got it fixed.
These are the batshit crazy and totally insane ways we got around here. No one even bats that batshit crazy eye anymore. I can’t remember the last time I got into a taxi and thought to myself, “Shit, he’s going fast, too fast,” or, “Shit, he’s totally going to hit that car/person/tuk-tuk. Wait, brake, brake, BRAKE!” or, “Shit, we’re weaving, weaving too fast. This is crazy! I’m going to die! And in fucking Beijing!” Yeah, those thoughts and feelings were abolished from my body and brain approximately one month after my arrival. May we all be safe another day…
My 20 Favorite Portland Vegan Dining Spots!
Okay, after the 1000 million hours it took me to write this freakin’ post (well worth it), I present to you the following awesomeness!
My 20 Favorite Portland Vegan Dining Spots! Is just that. Whether you’re a vegan or a vegetarian, even a meat-eater at times, these are my most FAVORITE places to have brunch, breakfast, lunch, dinner, bagels, pizza, and more! Are there other awesome places for vegans to go in P-town? Hell yeah! However, for the purpose of this post, I kept it to my top 20 favorite vegan spots in Portland. I LOVE being a vegan in this amazing city! Honestly, I don’t know if there’s a better place to be for those who eat a meat-free diet. Love it! If you are a Portlander and you want to add to this list, please do so in the comment section.
PS- I LOVE the Beach Boys! This song always cracked me up. On another note, I have a tape cassette of my sister, her old best friend & our neighbor, plus myself recording ourselves singing “Kokomo,” because we were OBSESSED with that song when I was 8 or 9 years old.
My 20 Favorite Portland Vegan Dining Spots!
*Click on the name of the restaurant to bring you directly to their link!
- Vita Cafe – *UPDATE: This is now Cafe Gertrude – meh. Some of the menu is still the same. My ULTIMATE FAVORITE! For breakfast, I LOVE their tofu florentine and tofu Huevos Rancheros (plus, pretty much everything else). No matter what time of day it is, I get a raspberry mimosa and a caesar salad – every time. Their buffalo wrap for lunch is the bomb! And, their vegan mac and cheese is incredible. Their kids’ menu is amazing and crazy cheap (huge portions as well). Weekends can have a wait but it’s not too crazy. Honestly, you can’t go wrong here. They are primarily a vegetarian & vegan restaurant, however, they also have a few meat options. They are on Alberta (the end of the road).
- Gravy– There is no better tofu scramble in any restaurant in all the land that is better than Gravy’s. Not only are there a million options, but you can make your own, too. The portion size is insane! You can eat this for 3 meals! I always choose “The Greco” and I add veggie sausage. They always have a long wait on the weekends, and even sometimes, during the week. They close at 2. The perk is that Gravy is located in the heart of Mississippi St, so I go to Sloan, Pistills, the record store, etc to bide the time.
- Jam on Hawthorne – Another incredible breakfast place with a crazy wait, but it’s worth it! They close at 3. I love their El Beardo (a tofu scramble)! The cocktails/drinks are amazing here as well. They have a great kid’s breakfast menu AND a kids’ play area! Obviously, it’s on Hawthorne. 😉
- Tin Shed– Another awesome restaurant on Alberta! This one is closer to the beginning of the happenings than Vita. It is right across from an adorable boutique that has been there for ages called, Frock. Check that out whilst you’re there, too! Tin Shed has loads of food for non-veg people. However, they have tofu scrambles for breakfast, great veggie lunches & dinners, an awesome happy hour, and even a menu for your dog! Sooo Portland. 😉 There is always a massive line for this joint – similar to Gravy. Stop by the local stores while you wait!
- Nectar Cafe – This little gem is on NE 42nd. Amazing coffee, smoothies, and a perfect little menu. Their vegan sausage bagel sandwich and their buffaloed soy curl wrap are delish! Any of their falafel meals are amazing, too! All vegan menu.
- Sweetpea (Baking Company) – I LOVE this place! Apparently, the street that it is on (SE Stark) has been dubbed “vegan street.” Loads of random vegan stores. I typically go here for a tub of veggie cream cheese and some bagels. Their baked goods are amazing! However, their lunch is SO good, too! The club, the higgins, the reuben… their potato and macaroni salad, etc. are awesome! You never have to wait very long (at least in my experience), and the entire joint is 100% vegan.
- Food Fight! *UPDATE: They didn’t survive COVID! 🙁 Grocery – Okay, so this is actually not a restaurant but a VEGAN grocery store! Again, fuck yeah, Portland! Way to truly be, “Portland.” 😉 It is literally next door to Sweetpea (SE Stark). Awesome selection of vegan stuff I’ve never seen before or that can be hard to come by. Also, behind the register they have the classic chocolate, vanilla, or swirled, soft-serve “ice cream!” Do you love Portland yet?! 😉
- ¿Por Qué No? – This list would be remiss without this AMAZINGGGGG little spot! I have loved you for soooo very long, ¿Por Qué No?. The BEST margaritas in all of Portland. In fact, they serve (fresh) the best margaritas I’ve ever had in any restaurant ever. Their guac and salsa are the tits! My favorite meal is the Brian’s Bowl and their veggie tacos! I have only been to the location on N. Mississippi but there is another location on Hawthorne. During peak hours, there is a line, however, someone usually comes out and asks if you’re getting a drink/cocktail, and will deliver it to you when you’re waiting in line. Awesome, right?! The tiny little restaurant is decorated in the CUTEST Mexican style ever! This place has my heart. 🙂
- Laughing Planet – There are 10 locations in Portland and its surrounding suburbs. Want fast, delicious, healthy, and well-priced Mexican food & some? Look no further! In fact, there is one right down the street from Por Que No on Mississippi! I LOVE their tempeh royale burrito! The burritos are the size of a football! I always add vegan cheese, sour cream, and guac to mine. My other favorite dish there is the Thai bowl… soooo good! The kids’ menu is awesome, too. They have perfectly sized kids burritos (and more meals) and even a tween burrito! Love that. My kiddo always gets the bean and cheese burrito on whole wheat and I add tofu in it. He devours it! You can’t go wrong with anything on the menu here. They have a good selection of draft beer, wine, and even smoothies. Great prices! Everything from vegan to meat.
- Veggie Grill – There are 2 locations of this incredible place in Oregon. One downtown, and one in Cedar Hills. You order at the counter and have your food in 5 minutes (just like Laughing Planet). I love their bahn mi salad, all-day breakfast burrito, and crispy beyond tacos. They also have a good kids menu, great drink selection, and beer. Priced well, fast, and delicious! Everything from vegan to meat.
- Cafe Yumm! – They have loads of locations in Oregon! Their yum sauce is amazing and you can buy it at the restaurant and even some stores. It is predominately Asian food but they have some Mexican style bowls as well. I love their tempeh skewer and their secret Asian man salad. Order at the counter and have your food ready in 5 minutes. Well-priced. Beer on tap and wine. Everything from vegan to meat.
- Ichiza Kitchen – Located in Goose Hollow, this pan-Asian vegan restaurant quickly earned rave reviews. Everything on the menu is great! Go with a group, order loads of food, and share… true Asian style. They are also known for their “rare oolong teas” to quote their website.
- Vtopia All Vegan Restaurant & Cheese Shop – SW Jefferson hosts this incredible shop of homemade vegan cheeses! Try their cheese plate or macaroni and cheese that offers a variety of add-ons. Try the fried buffalo tofu or curl bacon in your mac. The Caprese salad is awesome, too! You really can’t go wrong with this menu. They serve beer and a variety of wines as well. A bit pricier than most of this restaurants in this post, but so unique in the fact that all of the cheeses are made by them! Everything is vegan here.
- The Sudra – Portland’s vegan inspired Indian Restaurant. This place is amazing! You honestly cannot go wrong with anything on their menu. So good!
- Home Grown Smoker – Located on N. Lombard, this vegan BBQ joint is the best BBQ that has yet to come to Portland! Comfort food at its finest. Just FYI, they are closed Mondays & Tuesdays. Try a combo plate, SloSmoMoFo, macnocheeto, or chili mac. You can’t really go wrong with this menu! Decent prices, bomb ass food. Sold!
- Modern Times – The Belmont Fermentorium – Check out their brunch and go for their griddle times! For lunch or dinner, go for their bratwurst, or paul’s reuben. Everything is good! Wash it down with their city of the sun IPA or another of their awesome craft brews. Fair prices, great beers, and all the amazing grub is vegan!
- The Bye and Bye – Just another (the third on this list) restaurant on Alberta! However, The Bye and Bye is more than just a restaurant, it’s a bar as well! It is total Portland grunge without being too grungy. Perfect! It has a cute and covered outdoor back patio, too. The drinks are sooo good and the food is definitely worth the trip. For cocktails, I love the Bye and Bye and The North Williams. Try the peanut noodle bowl or the samurai bowl for some grub. They have a cheap late-night menu as well. Everything is vegan!
- Blossoming Lotus – Located almost on the corner of NE Broadway and NE 15th. Where to start with this one… most vegan restaurants are kinda grungy or just average in their appearance. Nothing worthy of a fancy date night out. That’s where the Blossoming Lotus comes in. The food, incredible cocktails, wine menu, and general atmosphere and interior of the place is quite proper for a vegan restaurant! Don’t go on the weekend without a reservation or be prepared to wait. For apps, go for the cheese plate (homemade) or the chanterelle toast. For lunch & dinner, check out their cheeseburger, bibimbap, or chickpea chana masala curry. However, whatever you decide, it’ll be great! Lastly, they have an awesome weekend brunch. This restaurant is solely vegan!
- Sizzle Pie – Annnddd… now for the pizza! Five of these amazing places in Portland currently exist. What’s best is that if you have a late-night out and need an entire pie (east coast lingo, sorry), I’ll correct myself, pizza, to soothe your boozy soul, look no further than Sizzle Pie to come to your rescue! The delivery schedule is Sunday-Thursday all the way until 3 am, and Friday-Saturday until 4 am! Say whaaaa?!?!?! Vegan pizzas? 4 am? Hell yes! Full disclosure, I’ve only ever eaten this deliciousness when intoxicated, but, I sure did fucking love it! While they sell meat and vegetarian pizzas, they have a nice selection of vegan ones, too. You can even choose between Violife or Follow Your Heart Mozzerella! Check out their buffalo 666 and their new maps out of hell.
- Virtuous Pie – Drum roll please! … Welcome to the dopest and newest vegan pizza digs around P-town! This place blew up with its sheer and utter awesomeness right after it opened. And, rightfully so! Located on SE Division, whether you live near or far, you have to check this place out. They serve single slices or 10″ pizzas. I can hardly choose which one is the best! The super fungi, chorizo & artichoke … They have small plates like cheese platters and garlic knots, etc. In addition, they serve salads, have a good beer selection on tap, some cocktails, and a large coffee & tea list. They have a good HH menu as well! Last but not least, they are just as famous for their ice cream. I’ve been told that their charcoal ice cream is ridiculously amazing!
*CHECK OUT MY MOST POPULAR VEGAN RECIPES (CLICK BELOW)
My 5 Most Popular Vegan Entrées!
*FEATURED IMAGE/PHOTO BY, Miika Laaksonen on Unsplash
My Podcast!!!
Okay, it’s finally official! The first 3 episodes of my podcast, “One More Sip of Whine: Motherhood in the Raw,” are now available! Currently, my podcasts are available on Libsyn. Click HERE to bring you directly to the podcasts! Soon, they will also be available on iTunes, Google Play, and Stitcher! There are descriptions for each episode. My bilingual etc episode is my first one ever! Followed by druggies etc, and finally, fix or fuck etc. A variety of both educational and emotional, but always entertaining and funny! Let me know your thoughts! I’ll always take ideas and opinions, as they’ll be loads of growth throughout this podcasting journey. Ahhh!!! So exciting! -FGG
Intro. to “Crazy China Sh**,” & Other Sh**
Okay, this is my Friday post. A day late. Back at the doctor’s yesterday for the aftermath of this strep saga (insert gigantic sigh here). They finally gave me drugs, like real ones. I was basically ODing on Acetaminophen and that still wasn’t working. Welcome to opioids my friends. I am aware of the crazy crisis in this country, and it is personal to me, as a member of my extended family has had his life virtually ruined by them. However, a time and a place for everything, right? And, to my doctors’ credit (I’ve seen a few), it wasn’t until the 3rd visit that they prescribed me some, and quite a mild one I might add. Alas, I can now speak and swallow without wishing for death (I have a license in dramatics, just ask anyone who knows me). Hence the day late post.
Below is the introduction to my book, “Crazy China Sh**.” If you are interested in a humorous, foul-mouthed, and totally raw & real view of life as an expat in Beijing, China, check out this intro, and the other chapters I’ve released in this blog. Also, for a more extensive inside look into the book, check it out on Amazon here. It is available as an e-reader only (you can purchase and read with or without a Kindle), and will, one day, hopefully soon, though Lord knows with my list and the prioritizing I have to do, be available in print. My other book, “One More Sip of Whine,” is available here in print and as an e-reader. Check ’em out and please leave me a review on Amazon if you read either of them! -FGG
Red Alert
Expat Exposes All
“Crazy China Sh**”
(“Do you tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?” “I do.” True stories sans embellishments.)
Prologue
The Beijing world around us seems to be impenetrable to some people here. Nothing chips away at the natives’ thick skin. Perhaps it’s because these things would first have to chip through the enormously thick layers of smog. Yes, I went there. It’s too easy not to. You should expect me to “go there” many more times, too. I mean, shit. How could one write a book about Beijing and not reference the smog at least a few times. There are many of us out there who have become quite penetrable by the Beijing-ness surrounding us, and it starts to build, waver, and pile up until someone finally yells “Topple!”
Everyone’s reality is a bit different. Honestly, I think I know some pretty deluded fucks but never the less, and to those not particularly deluded, our perceptions of the things we experience daily are weighted differently. I somewhat envy those fucks. Anyway, since perception is reality some may think my story untrue (ehem-ehem, the deluded ones) or hyped for a good read. However, this is my take on it all. Are there so many awesome things I’ve done and seen here? For sure! I am not negating that. My purpose in writing this though is to finally be able to tell my closest peeps about the nitty gritty, the ins and outs, of being an expat in Beijing. The funny, absurd, frustrating, and batshit crazy moments that I never wanted to harp on when speaking to you all.
If one more person asks me about what my life was like there, I’m going to start wearing a sandwich board with bulleted points. When you see your friends and family, or when you actually get to speak to them, the last thing you want to do is complain about all of the “ish” around you. You tell the shiny, nice, and pretty stories. Otherwise, you’re the Debbie Downer. You’re that person, who is always complaining and appears too negative. Then again, if you do not communicate with these people on a regular basis, it would only be natural to have some crappier stories wrapped up with the shinier ones. Alas, people just don’t see it this way. You’re like reading the New York Times, The Daily News, or The Post (all depending on the type of person you are, of course). The result is similar: mostly disheartening and sometimes just ridiculous. Now if we could be like The Onion, I guess we’d all be a bit funnier and cooler. But I’m just not that funny or cool. Have you ever seen a unicorn climb over a rainbow, slide down, land in a pot of gold, and ride away with her leprechaun? No? Hmmm… What about the dog that ate your homework only after having helped you with it? Really? No? Lastly, have you ever seen a pig fly? I mean a p-i-g with its snout and all, fly with it’s pretty, little, pink pig wings high above your head. (Okay, I couldn’t resist the classic ‘pig fly’ line). Well, as rid-onc-ulous as the above mentioned may be, I can tell you that I would be apt to believe almost any of them after living here. Why? Because the unbelievable has proven believable in many a series of crazy circumstances that I’ve encountered over the past five years. (Yes, not four, not two, but a half of a decade – sounds crazier that way, right?)
Before we begin, I shall leave you with this:
“I pledge allegiance to the – “ no, that ‘s not correct.
“You have the right to remain – ” nope, that’s not it either.
“Truth?! You can’t handle the – ” Hmm… not there yet. Oh yes!
“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”
“I do.”
Oh good, that’s it. Okay, enough with the patriotic points, legal rights, and Hollywood-isms. And yes, in this book, “I do.”
https://foodgalleygab.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/IMG_3820.m4v
*A short video of my books! (Link above)
Red Alert (A parody of Adele’s “Hello”)
“Beijing issues red alerts when pollutants are forecast to push the air-quality index higher than 200 for at least four days, above 300 for two or more days or higher than 500 for 24 hours.” -CNN
Find the CNN article here. What that means is that schools, factories etc must shut down until the air clears.
Red Alert (A parody of Adele’s “Hello”) is something I wrote when I was still living in Beijing, China. The song had just been released, and I had these ridiculous lines about the Beijing smog that I had conjured up in my mind. So, I realized I needed to write them down. I have no idea how I decided to turn it into a parody of Adele’s “Hello,” but I did! And thus the birth of Red Alert. For those of you who aren’t familiar with China’s air, it is a very real problem. Beijing and other major cities are particularly effected by it. Everyday, I didn’t check the weather, I checked the AQI (air quality index) provided by the American Embassy. If it was over 200, as it often was, I wore a mask outside, and the children at my international school were not allowed to play outdoors. By the time I left Beijing, I had quite the collection of masks. Obviously, I had to turn them into a fashion accessory, duh! Our homes (expats) all had air purifiers in every room, as did the international schools. Sometimes, the sky was yellow in color, and there is NO mistaking the smell of bad pollution. It had an impact on my health as well. I think the highest I ever saw the AQI climb was 700+ (when the scale went that high). So fucking nuts!
I wrote an article about my exiting Beijing if you’re interested in more info. Click here to bring you directly to the link. Also, I wrote a very candid, raw, hopefully humorous, and foul-mouthed book about the difficulties I faced whilst living there. Of course I loved the shit out of it, however, there were SO MANY ridiculous and challenging aspects of life as an expat in Beijing, that I felt compelled to write a book about it! So I did. It is called, “Crazy China Shit.” Click here for the Amazon link. It will be available in paperback soon, too.
PS- Duh! Of course this is the video for this post! 😉
Red Alert Means Nothin’ Here (A parody of Adele’s “Hello”)
Hello, it’s me
I was hopin’ for some clean air
that I could use to breathe
For my lungs,
oh please
If you could rain and blow the wind
We’d really like the breeze
Expat friends, can ya hear me?
I’m in my mask dreamin’ of the days when I could see
The buildings out my window, oh please
I’ve forgotten how it felt when the air was fresh and clean
We need pollution gone forever,
or at least for today
Red Alert means nothin’ here!
All it does is instill fear!
My sister, and my mom, text me all the time,
“Oh my God! You Okay? Get outta that grime!”
If the AQI is far too high, six hundred in the freakin’ sky,
Maybe, our school, will close for the day,
stay at home, Facetime friends, and watch Youku in pj’s…
Oh yeah, mm-hmm
Hello, how are you?
It’s so typical of me to want the air so nice and clean
For my breathin’, oh yeah
The students need to leave the room
I need to feel fresh air
And it’s no secret that the both of us
Are running out of time
I know how it really feels,
You smell the air and it reveals,
That the sky is yellow, my lungs are at risk,
The children, stuck inside, and they’re makin’ me sick.
If they don’t get to go outside! I know I’m gonna lose my mind.
They’re cooped up everyday if it’s two hundred or more,
AQI, when can we, open our door?
To breathe clean?
Clean air
To breath clean?
Clean air
To breath clean?
Clean air
To breath clean?
To breath clean
I know from the outside, if the smog is stinkin’ then I’ll cry!
I’m sorry that we are, livin’ this way,
It’s a nightmare, that we, will have to stay.
Please wear your mask so tightly, you do not wanna breathe,
Toxic air that will harm you, you sit there and seethe, yellow smog, you astound me, oh why can’t you leave?
The BEST Vegan Dinner Christmas Menu!
The BEST Vegan Dinner Christmas Menu! Is complete with amazing vegan appetizers (not just traditional appetizers, different and delicious apps that aren’t your holiday standards), soups, salads, entrees (pastas, Wellington, stuffed potatoes, stuffed portobellos), and of course, holiday cocktails (both warm and cold)! I’ve had many a small, medium, and large sized holiday parties at my home. No matter where I’ve been, whether I lived in Oregon, California, New York, China etc, I’m always the first to host a T-day or an xmas soiree… I LOVE entertaining! As long as I have the kitchen to myself (I’d love to be in the house by myself), wine, and music, I am golden for hours upon hours in the kitchen. Anyone else?
Since we’re in the seasonal spirit right now, I shall leave you with MY version (or desires) of The Twelve Days of Christmas.
The Twelve Days of Christmas
by, Heather Rugile
On the 1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
a day alone with my SANITY
On the 2nd day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Two trips to Fiji, and a day alone with my SANITY
On the 3rd day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Three French men, two trips to Fiji, and a day alone with my SANITY
On the 4th day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Four thousand dollars, three French men, two trips to Fiji, and a day alone With my SANITY
On the 5th day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Five days of PEACE, four thousand dollars, three French men, two trips to Fiji, and a day alone With my SANITY
On the 6th day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Six Brad Pitt’s swimming, five days of PEACE, four thousand dollars, three French men, two trips to Fiji, and a day alone with my SANITY
On the 7th day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Seven second homes, six Brad Pitt’s swimming, five days of PEACE, four Thousand dollars, three French men, two trips to Fiji, and a day alone with My SANITY
On the 8th day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Eight maids a-cleanin’, seven second homes, six Brad Pitt’s swimming, five days of PEACE, four thousand dollars, three French men, two trips to Fiji, and a day alone with My SANITY
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Nine buff bods dancin’, eight maids a-cleanin’, seven second homes, six Brad Pitt’s swimming, five days of PEACE, four thousand dollars, three French men, two trips to Fiji, and a day alone with My SANITY
On the 10th day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
TEN hours sleeping, nine buff bods dancin’, eight maids a-cleanin’, seven second homes, six Brad Pitt’s swimming, five days of PEACE, four thousand dollars, three French men, two trips to Fiji, and a day alone with My SANITY
On the 11th day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Eleven days no laundry, TEN hours sleeping, nine buff bods dancin’, eight maids a-cleanin’, seven second homes, six Brad Pitt’s swimming, five days of PEACE, four thousand dollars, three French men, two trips to Fiji, and a day alone with My SANITY
On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Twelve flasks of vodka, eleven days no laundry, TEN hours sleeping, nine buff bods dancin’, eight maids a-cleanin’, seven second homes, six Brad Pitt’s swimming, five days of PEACE, four thousand dollars, three French men, two trips to Fiji, and a day alone with My SANITY
PS- Okay, so I totally cannot get enough of the Pentatonix Christmas songs/videos! I know I used their “Little Drummer Boy” in one of last week’s posts, but I feel the need to share this absolutely incredible winter holiday song! A MUST WATCH!
Click the recipes below to bring you directly to the links!
APPETIZERS:
Fried Green Tomatoes with Special Sauce (vegan)!
Premier Tomato Bruschetta with Olives & Capers
(Use my favorite vegan parmesan! Go Veggie! Parmesan)
Hummus & Veggie “Sushi” Rolls
Tofu Tuna
(Replace the greek yogurt with vegan mayo. In my opinion, the BEST EVER vegan mayo is Vegenaise! Also, you could sub out seaweed for white miso paste! This is one of my all time favorite dips)!
Cheesy Vegan Sweet Potato Fries Nacho Style!
Eggplant Meatballs (Vegan)
(Serve them just like the picture with sauce and some toothpicks)!
Vegetable Gyoza Recipe – Vegan
Spicy & Smoky Vegan Cheddar Cheese Wheel & Sundried Tomato & Basil Hummus)
SOUPS:
Vegan Kale, Broccoli, & White Bean Soup
Creamy Tomato & Cauliflower Soup
SALADS:
Sauteed Veggie & Farro Spiralized Zucchini Salad
Pesto Mushroom & Chick Pea Spinach Salad
(Use vegan parmesan. Again, Go Veggie! Is amazing)!
ENTREES:
Vegan Mushroom Lentil Wellington
Creamy Rigatoni with Lentils & Fresh Oregano – Vegan!
Spaghetti Marinara with Chard & Burst Tomatoes
Creamy Vegan Macaroni and Cheese!
The Cheesiest Vegan Broccoli & Cheddar Baked Potato Ever!
Sun-dried Tomato and Basil Stuffed Portobello Mushroom
COCKTAILS:
4 Fabulous Christmas Cocktails
Carboholics Anonymous (CA)
Carboholics Anonymous (CA) – Confessions & 12 steps to recovery
1- Hi, my name is Heather, and I’m a carboholic. (Sweet relief! I’ve officially admitted my addiction out loud).
I call my sponsor daily with my insatiable cravings to dive mouth first into the nearest loaf of bread I can find.
2- God? Shit! I’m an atheist.
Okay, I can do this. I believe that Mother Nature doesn’t want me to have fat thighs and a bloated belly. I’ll serve you, dearest Mother.
3- Fuck. God, again? Not knockin’ it, but how does this work for me? Okay, back to Mother Nature.
I believe that you have the power to heal me of my sinful carb cravings. I am in control of what I shovel into my carb-loving grill. Dearest Mother, give me the strength to beat a bagel, tear up my toast, and punch a pasta in the fucking face! Yummm pasta, I mean, uuuuhhh, shit! That’ll give you an extra dimple and a thick thigh! Die, pasta, die!
4- Resentment!
I resent being raised on Italian food. Pasta, pasta, PASTA! All with bread and some watery zucchini for greens. Mom, I resent you for creating and enabling my addiction. I am now triggered every time I smell bread in the oven, pasta boiling on the stove, and rice in the cooker, all wafting directly into my carb-loving nose! I feel ashamed that I ate mykid’s pizza, I mean like shoveled it, machine-mouth style, with a case of the mega munchies. I told him his dad ate it. Bread! I want you SO badly! You’re such a tease! A wicked witchy woman! You’ve put your spell on me, and I can’t resist your scent, your warmth, your taste! Damn it! You’re such a bitch! But, I drool when in your beautiful presence.
5- I confess! There! I said it.
Okay, carbs not only taste guh-reat (writing this isn’t helping the cravings at all by the way) but they’re my comfort, my “safe space.” I could wrap myself up on a bed with a blanket of warm bread and feel like the angels above were showering me with safety and love. Then, I’d eat it all and, “Oh, the guilt! I’ve lost my comfort and caved into my craving! Sourdough, my dearest, sponsor! I need you – now!”
6- I’ll change! I’ll face my imperfections and shameful behaviors that led me down this wicked path to pasta and all things carb!
When I have 3 cocktails, I stick my head in the fridge and into a Tupperware of pasta. Think, “A Christmas Story.” Randy, his mom, “show me how the little piggies eat.” Yup. No words necessary. When “Aunt Flow” comes to town, I survive on homemade mac ’n’ cheese for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. For dessert? Yup! You guessed it! More mac ’n’ cheese. When I get in a fight with my husband, I envision myself whacking him, beating him, repeatedly on the head with a long, large loaf of almost stale French bread. When I’m done, to get rid of the evidence, the prints and weapon, I throw that bitch in the microwave and shove it down my throat leaving no crumb behind.
7- “Motherest” of all mothers in all the lands, moons, and solar systems above:
Dear Mother Nature, I ask of you to remove, erase, totally wipe out (like the fiercest of surfs), and release holy hell upon my addiction, my unhinged behavior, my unhealthy union with my biggest of loves — carbs. I surrender myself to you!
How arrogant I was to think that carbs would love me back as much as I had loved them! I gave them all of me, and in turn, for what? For tree trunks that walk, tires for my once svelte stomach, and an unhealthy, unforgiving, obsessive relationship.
8- Those I’ve harmed, hindered, and hated because my addiction got the best of me:
Little dude, every person I’ve ever dated (we’ll sum it up like that), my thighs, my parents.
9- Please, oh pretty, pretty, please! Forgive me!
To little dude: Sorry for face diving your pizza. To every person I ever dated: Sorry for the tweakin’ out, bitchin’ out, freakin’ out moments when I was jonesin’ — hard. I just needed a taste, a teeny, tiny little taste! To my thighs: Oh babes, I had you in tip-top shape. I am SOOO sorry for your slide into the depths of true chunkiness. Also, because I know how badly you want to be reunited with the beautiful, sexy, skinny ladies in the wardrobe upstairs. They’re missin’ you like crazy. To my parents: I apologize for all of the pasta, bread, and cans of beans I stole from your pantry when I was living in the city and was totally poor. I came home to raid. Once, I ate pasta with ranch dressing while sitting on the bathtub in the kitchen of my Manhattan apartment. All because I had no money and needed the comfort of my old friend, Spaghetti.
10- Maybe you’re right, maybe I’m right, but it’s allll good.
I might envision bombing the Safeway/Trader Joe parking lot, but I’ll keep it to myself, take a deep breath, and remember that it is I who is in control of my actions. I’ll keep the “fuck yous!” and kicking of car bumpers under wraps.
11- “Tommy, Can You Hear Me?”
I hear you, I feel you, I see you. I shall meditate to keep this roller coaster of a mind on its rightful path, or I’ll ride it so many times, I’ll puke. I won’t think of cream cheese caressing the outside of an everything bagel. I won’t think about a floppy slice of pizza dripping oil onto my watering tongue. I won’t think about slurping up spaghetti in the way that my mother admonished me for: “Never eat spaghetti on a date, it’s like you don’t know how to use a fork,” she said. I was 16. She was correct. No, no, no. I’ll simply think about unicorns, rainbows, David Boreanaz, and everything but the bagel.
12- Roll out the red carpet! I have seen the light!
Oh wait, that was just daybreak?
Back to step 1: Wash, rinse, repeat…
*Image found @: https://www.visionpt.com.au/studios/camberwell/articles/nutrition/nutrition-made-simple-carbohydrates
“Happy ‘Helladays!'”
“Happy ‘Helladays!'” Is a post that stems from a chapter in my book, “One More Sip of Whine.” This is an AWESOME time of the year for holiday cooking, decorating, and music freaks like myself. However, when you put the family together for the actual holiday? Yeah, welcome to your “helladay!” The magic ends here. (Insert sound of a record player going tits-up). Birthday parties, family BBQ’s, and holidays = family #$%%$#@*&*#&%$*^$%*# If you can relate to this statement, keep reading below. Cheers! Happy “helladays,” friends! 😉
Happy Birthday to Who, Now? And Happy Holidays to No One
I REMEMBER WHEN BIRTHDAYS, Christmas, Easter and all holidays kicked ass. I more than looked forward to parties and stuffing my face with all of the sugar that my mother would’ve otherwise never let me have. I don’t like soda, and no one in my family drinks it. I have my mom to thank for that. However, when we hosted a holiday at my home, as a child, I got high just looking at a bottle of soda (the ONLY time it ever made an appearance in our home). My eyeballs starting spinning in opposite directions, and my body started tweaking out. As I’ve stated earlier, I was a weird kid, therefore I liked my soda flat. After my extended family would leave, I’d hop onto the countertop and ever so slightly loosen the cap so the soda would flatten, not just because I liked it flat, but mostly because I knew no one else would drink it, and then the rest would all be mine. Mwahahahaaa! I’m not sure if I should be proud or disturbed about the inner workings of my childhood brain. I started doing this when I was about seven. The moral of this paragraph is that I freakin’ loved birthdays and all holidays alike.
Now when birthdays come along, I’m decorating the shit outta my house in Thomas the Train décor, and my apartment looks something like Shining Time Station on steroids, with cake imbedded in my carpet and the hired balloon twister pumping out balloons faster than Jenna Jameson can scream, “Fuck me!” “Happy” by Pharrell Williams is blaring so loud it’s almost drowning out the shrieks of children (which is worse?), there are phone calls from lost parents en route whom I can’t hear over the insanity, and just to make my skull start to crack, here come the noisemakers—hands down the dumbest purchase I’ve ever made. I’m starting to think that I might truly be a masochist.
This leads me to think about birthdays in general, the first portion of the word, birth. After all, was it not I who, indeed, birthed that child? Should this day not be all about me? I love me a good party that doesn’t involve little people and caked-up carpets. Then I stopped to think… again. I should really stop doing that (wink). My kid was happier and higher than the downtown druggies on crack. His sugared-up self was jumping in a sea of balloons and noisemakers. So I just drank some more wine and started taking boat loads of pictures to remind myself that, next year, we’re doing the party somewhere other than my home. Oh, and of course, to remind myself of the smiles on my little bugger’s face. Priceless.
Holidays are the new “helladays.”
Post-Thanksgiving Formula for Success!
Post-Thanksgiving Formula for Success! I can hardly believe that I am writing this because I’m in a food coma that seemed to roll right over into today, Black Friday. Why? Well, it could start with the fact that I literally woke up at 11, went downstairs, and immediately made a ‘ginormous’ bowl of left overs, and then promptly shoveled them down my throat… cartoon-machine-mouth style. The best part? Greyson (my lil’ dude) totally stayed in my bed with me and woke up late, too. He was way on board with left over brunch as well. We stayed up crazy late last night watching Home Alone, and, oh yeah, eating left overs! To be fair, we ate our T-day dinner at 3 so by 9, we were hungry, or at least pretending to be. 😉
I’m surviving this day by eating, eating, drinking, eating, drinking, eating, eating, resting, drinking, eating, tv-ing, drinking, drinking, drinking. That’s the formula to success, friends. Also, I plan on doing this all from the comfort of my couch, in my pajamas, with my blanket, and a consistent flow of coffee to make sure I am awake to stick to ‘said’ formula. I implore you, yes you, those who have a spouse or partner encouraging them to motivate out into the world, to ever-so-nicely tell them to “fucking shove it.” Tell them that you have a plan that involves reheating leftovers and throwing them all into one bowl, tossing them around in some sexy gravy, topped with a nice glass of red, or a hoppy IPA, and that will be the closest thing to physical activity you’ll be doing… soooo, yeah, that’ll be the most orgasmic happening of the day… soooo, yup! Forget sexy time, too. You’ll work those carbs off over the weekend. In recovery. Yesterday, we gave ‘thanks.’ We were grateful and selfless. Today, we stay selfish. Gotta keep those scales balanced! Am I right?!
For those of you who are going to brave the outside world for a good sale, I applaud you. Mostly because the only thing that is worth getting off the couch for happens to be a new TV, wardrobe, cookware etc. I’m a sucker for a sale and a mall any day, anytime. Just ask my best friend, Sureya. We used to live at the Walt Whitman mall. Smoke then shop. That was our weekly formula. It was great. Just fucking great. Ahhh… youth, money, being fit, youth, money, being fit… that cycle was just swell. However, though I applaud you, I implore you to stay home and shop from the very keys I am typing on now. Black Friday is online, friends! You can follow the post-Thanksgiving day formula AND include shopping without ever leaving the confines of your home… or shit, your couch!
Life is crazy. We work hard. We work more than we live. We feel guilty for being lazy. So today, this one day of the year, I officially shall call, “Day of the Almost Dead.” A day where we do so very little, are so completely lazy, that we seem as dormant as a doorknob, a knock a away from lifelessness, a day of sheer and utter laziness! Join me fellow Americans on this lazy day! Let us eat, drink, and be merry in our pjs, on our couch, and in our minds! Cheers to those brave enough to follow our flow. Camaraderie!
Love,
FGG
*Boyslife.org
*Boyslife.org
Thanksgiving Trivia & Ramblings
Thanksgiving Trivia & Ramblings is brought to you by the crazy cats at FGG. 😉
I remember the second Thanksgiving I celebrated in Beijing. I had taken the Wednesday off from work so that I could prepare food and drinks for approximately 20-25 people. It was fucking nuts! I started at about 9AM Wednesday morning, and went straight through until about 11PM – solo. And what’s even more nuts, is that I totally loved every second of it! I had the apartment to myself, I drank wine, listened to music, and got my daily dose of ‘therapy’ in – hardcore. Cooking = therapy. Hands down. I wasn’t even thinking about the fact that almost everyone who was attending my party had never celebrated Thanksgiving. There were about 3 Americans, a few Canadians (who celebrate their own Thanksgiving about one month prior to ours), and a bunch of Brits, Australians, and some other randoms. Mind you, at the time, I was vegetarian (since I was 8); now vegan. Therefore, everyone chowed down sans Turkey. I made my stepdad’s awesome ‘meatloaf,’ pumpkin mac n’ cheese, au gratin potatoes, mashed potatoes, mushroom gravy (oh how I miss the variety and cheapness of shrooms in China), stuffing (homemade), cranberry sauce (homemade), roasted maple veggies (brussel sprouts, carrots etc), and my mothers fall salad – mesclun greens, candied pecans, blue cheese, shredded carrot, sliced red grapes, and diced apples topped with a homemade honey dijon dressing. SO GOOD! For drinks we had mulled wine, beer, and wine. I decorated the apartment with laminated pictures of funny Thanksgiving facts/images, and we had a Thanksgiving game (I remember making it but I don’t remember what it was). It was one of my best parties that I threw whilst in BJ. In these reflective moments, I actually do miss it! In fact, it was probably my best Thanksgiving ever. Sorry fam! 😉 And, my foreign friends fucking loved the shit out if it! Happy T-day, everyone! For a vegan Thanksgiving menu, click here:
Vegan Thanksgiving Recipes & Menu
-FGG
THANKSGIVING TRIVIA
1- What is the real reason people get so tired after eating on Thanksgiving?
2- Who thought the turkey should be America’s representative bird?
3- Which president wouldn’t declare Thanksgiving a holiday due to his strong belief between separation of church and state?
4- What was the name of the ship that the religious separatists set sail on from Plymouth?
5- Which US state consumes the most turkey on Thanksgiving?
6- Which turkey actually ‘gobbles:’ Male or female?
7- What is the name of the most famous Native American to have helped the Pilgrims?
8- What year was the first Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade?
9- What does the US president do every year for Thanksgiving?
10- Where were the pilgrims meant to land?
Click on ‘more’ for the answers!
Dear Alexa, Are You My Mother?
Friday ‘gab’ time! This week, a letter to “Alexa”
Dear Alexa, Are You My Mother?
Dear, dear, Alexa… I’ve been thinking. You’re totally trying to ingratiate yourself into my home and I think it’s about time you start carrying your weight as a member of this household. Not to sound ungrateful, as I do love using your timer for Grey’s timeouts and my cooking, your ability to tell me the time and weather anywhere in the world (okay, for Portland, but still), and your random trivia that is either the easiest question ever or an Einstein related affair (you could really work on that btw), buuuut I think you could help me out in the discipline department. I mean, shit! I’m always the bad guy! I have a kid and a ‘huschild’, I could use a little fucking help around here! You’re a robot! You are far more polished, precise, and all knowing than my measly self! So c’mon! Step it up, girl!
When you hear the shouts and shrieks of a whiny little boy, how about a little scare tactic? “YOU BOOYYY!” (please speak this in a very maniacal, deep, and disturbing voice). “SIT DOWN AND ZIP IT NOW! NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THIS CRAP!” I mean, he won’t even know where it’s coming from! But, shit! That’ll shut-him-the-fuck right up!
If the little man cries, can you not sooth him with a soft tune from your extensive music library? Can you not tell him words of comfort in the most soothing of female voices? If he won’t go to bed, can you not provide him a lullaby that will make him doze into a cloud of dreams? If he needs a friend, can you not put on some dance music or play a game with him? Two moms have got to be better than one! Should you do your job properly, he should say “are you my mother?” And you, in your lovingly, dreamingly, sweet, sweet angelic voice, shall reply, “yes, son, yes.” Frankly, woman, I feel like you’ve got the skills, the gumption to help a sister out!
Now that I’ve said my piece, I hope you’ll find my words well and start upping your fucking game.
B is for Bath Time & Brandy
“B is for Bath Time & Brandy,” is a chapter from my book, One More Sip of Whine. I had sent my book to one agent, an incredibly dope and off the charts agent, and as expected, heard nothing. I went too big for sure. I thought, “go big or go home, right?” was a good first step. It was not. I’ve been thinking about sending it out into the world again – actually, I’ve just been too fucking lazy to do it – until I have been obsessing over this book, “Crushing It!” – in which I mentioned in my previous post. I have SO much that I want to do in order to shift my life, my career, in such a totally major way that I may just self-publish this. I’m wanting to focus on all of the other awesome odds and ends that I need to push forward and pursue in a very serious kind of way. If anyone has any thoughts on whether I should self-publish, please feel free to leave me a comment! Also, if you want to read more chapters from this book, click on the tab at the top of the screen that says, “my books.”
“B is for Bath Time & Brandy,” is a funny chapter about the hells of bathing and/or showering your little one in their first two years on this earth. If you’re a momma or dadster, and are reliving these painful memories as you read, I implore you, crack open a lil’ somethin’ – somethin’ to numb the vicious pains of such horrid memories. Cheers, to all the moms and dads suffering with the bath time blues. I hear ya… the struggle feels real. 😉
*image found on Google Images via sillybunt.com
B is for Bath Time & Brandy
I WAS IN NEW YORK VISITING MY MOTHER a little over a year ago, and she was constantly volunteering to give Greyson a bath. I was so baffled by this. Then, when I finally told her she didn’t have to feel obligated to take on this horrible nightly duty, she said, “I love giving the grandkids baths! I’ve always loved bathing babies!” (She’s had 5, yes 5 children by the way.) “Eh-hem, what? Are you some sort of masochist? Have you taken some happy pills today?” I did not say these words verbatim, however, I most certainly was thinking them. Kids are squirmy and slippery, hate to get their heads wet, require about 6 hands to safely and effectively get the job done, and throw water out of the tub, and I don’t know about you, but I feel as though I need some sort of back-y-otomy after this torturous ritual is through. Alas, this is not the job for me. As Greyson got older, I thought maybe popping him in the shower with me would not only be easier, but more time efficient, as well. This newfound idea was as fleeting as a fairy. It went down like this:
Shower #1: I tried to shave my legs. No room. Jumping toddler. Shaving cream missing from my leg. Child licked said shaving cream off of my leg, only to say, “Mmmm…yummy!”
Shower #2:
G: Mommy, you have a penis?
ME: No, Mommy has a vagina. Girls have a vagina, and boys have a penis.
Shower continues. I wash my hair and suddenly scream, shampoo streaming down my face and into my eye. My child has poked me with his finger right into my va-jay-jay while joyously laughing. “VAGINA!”
Shower #3: Greyson thought that jumping up and down, trying to “stomp Mommy,” was fun. This was not fun at all. In fact, it fucking hurt! Also, he decided that helping wash me and eating soap off of his hands was the new shower time fashion… Fuck showers.
Night #4: Back to the hellacious nightly bath time routine. Surely this is better than poking, prodding, and licking me in the shower.
I decided I needed something else, something with the ability to help me relax and let the bath time blues just roll off of my tightened shoulders, something with a bit of a kick, yet with a smile. Something smoother than my baby’s bottom but stronger than his screaming shrieks. Ah-ha! And this was the “ah-ha” moment of the week, of the month, in fact! This is when “B” was not only for bath time, but for brandy. Bath time with brandy… ahhhh… and bath times have never been so very, very sweet.
China Book Coming Soon!
Okay, so I’m even more excited about my China book making it out into the world than I was about my first e-cookbook! I started an outline of ridiculous stories that were happening to me and the people around me when I first moved to Beijing, China in 2011. This outline grew & grew over the five years that I was there. I finally began writing it my final year when I was alone with Greyson (my then newborn) every night. My husband was at work spending quiet time on his master’s so that he could change careers. Lots of craziness was going on and I needed an outlet. I thought it would be INSANELY difficult to put pen to paper and actually gather these thoughts, this outline, and try to form it into an actual book. Alas, it was not! It was word vomit spewing out of my mouth faster than my pen could move! I had never written a book before this and was surprised at how quickly and easily this process was moving along. It was f***ing awesome! I originally wrote it for my friends and family so that they could understand what expat life was truly like for me. It was impossible to share those stories when you had a 15 hour time difference and didn’t often have the opportunity to chat with people. When I did have a moment to talk with friends or family I wanted to tell the nicer stories, the shinier ones that were fun and exciting. I didn’t want to run through my daily horrors. That being said, this book, “Crazy China Sh**,” is about the insanity of being an expat in China. It’s told through my own personal lens and through stories from fellow expats as well. It’s foul-mouthed, funny, absurd, and almost unbelievable at times. Whether you plan on ever visiting or living abroad in such a place, it is a good read that will hopefully make you laugh out loud and appreciate the insanity of an expats life in China, or any other incredibly foreign place. Coming soon to Amazon! This book will be available in print, Kindle, and eventually, Audible as well. Woo-hoo! Here is a snippet to get you excited…
Chapter 1
ASININE ALICE
“Oh Alice, Alice, Alice.” This is a phrase I muttered on many occasions and on many days, often followed by many a stream of complete and utter verbal diarrhea. Alice was my welcome wagon upon arriving in Beijing. She continued to be this force of insanity in my life until she retired, two years ago. Judging by how quickly she went gray, from the day I met her until the day she left, I’d say it wasn’t a retirement as much as a timely retreat to save any ounce of sanity she had left. Okay, I feel badly about this introduction of Alice. She was, in fact, a very, very nice individual. However, as incredibly nice as she was, Alice was also incredibly inept and incompetent. (Incompetence will be a running theme in this book and quite possibly, or rather almost definitely, deserved an appearance in the title.) Alice’s job is to assist the foreign staff with their living needs. I’m not sure she ever read her job description.
Funny, my heart rate has literally just spiked whilst starting this chapter. This is a bad sign for my health and the future of this book. It could also be the fact that I’ve had two coffees, two oolong teas, and am on my second giant glass of red wine. No, no, we’ll go with the first of these two statements. Onwards.
When I was a teen, Go Ask Alice was one of my favorite books. I was tempted to name this chapter just that until I realized it would’ve read more like, “Go Ask Who? Are you f’ing insane?” or, “Great, just great! Like my problem wasn’t big enough already, now I have to go ask Alice?” and it would just have continued like this: “Instead of Alice having a serious problem with drugs, she had a serious problem with the most basic skill sets of her job.” The chapter title, “For F*** Sake, Alice!” would also be fitting.
Easy Vegan Mexican & Italian Inspired Food Cookbook
Easy Vegan Mexican & Italian Inspired Food Cookbook is my FIRST published e-cookbook! I wanted to thank everyone who has purchased it, and encourage you all to write me a review! If this is the first time you’re hearing about it, then check it out on Amazon for a mere $2.99! Every recipe comes with a music and drink pairing. The music is hyperlinked to send you directly to the YouTube video as well! You don’t need a Kindle to read it. The Kindle is a free download that will most likely automatically download on your device with purchase of the book. You can read it on any device! Let me know your thoughts in the comments as well. Remember, I now have Heyoya so you can leave me a voice comment, too. So cool! Hope you’re enjoying for those of you who have purchased my Easy Vegan Mexican & Italian Inspired Food Cookbook. Love, FGG
Sipping My Way to Sanity
Cheers to all you mamas out there who just might be, “Sipping Your Way to Sanity.” Here’s to those who’ve had a killer day at work and came back to a tantrum. To those who’ve tried to leave their house an hour earlier but were busy wrangling the herd. To those who have wanted to basically stick their fingers in their ears, scream “LALALALALAAAAA” and pretend, for a mere moment in time, a blip in reality, that they never had children. This post, my fellow mamas, is for you…
Sipping My Way to Sanity
THERE IS LITTLE MEDINCINE that cures the insane to sane, the child shrieking shouts to child chill-outs, the husband headaches to husband halos. Little in the way of help for such abhorrent ailments. You can’t yell, can’t pray, can’t plead your way to the sanity Gods and Goddesses. When nothing else seems to work, and you feel defeated yet again, this simple solution might find you well: I’ve come to realize that you can most certainly, and should surely, start sipping your way to sanity. This is a skill in which I’ve become quite adept.
Sip, slurp, “Sure!”
Sip, slurp, “What?! No problem!”
Sip, slurp, “Spilt milk? Who cares!”
If I had a prescription pad it would read:
“One glass of wine per hour. Not to exceed one bottle per day.”
And, that would be my doctor’s handwriting. Barely legible, but kinda cute. (Side note: WordPress won’t allow me to keep my original and adorable font). An unnecessary point that I thought I’d share.
The problem with this is that we shouldn’t be drinking a bottle of wine per day. I wish that were an acceptable thing to do and that I wouldn’t be a shit teacher, colleague, and mom if I opted to imbibe daily in such a fashion. In fact, I wish that style was in fashion! I’d rock the shit out of it! Quick! Someone get Gucci into the wine making industry! I think this would make the winos of the world look more acceptable. Though, I think my face would get fat, my liver further damaged (four years of college plus about ten more because my mind never left that ‘university of booze’), and I’d most likely stop going to the gym (God bless Zumba classes and treadmills with TVs), and in turn gain an additional thigh, which Lord knows I most certainly can’t afford to gain. I sometimes pretend there is a parallel universe where all of the “no, you shouldn’t-s” are “yes, you should-s” and vice versa. Yes, I could see myself in a perfectly pretty place like that.
I had a crazy day at work last week. My students were fucking mental, and getting ready for multiple concerts makes my anxiety soar through the roof. You’d never know it by looking at me but I truly detest the weeks leading up to performances. The day itself? Totally cool as shit. Ugh. I came home and G-man was sick and in quite a mood, it was raining hard, again (note-to-self, this is what makes Oregon so beautiful so I should forgive Mother Nature…again), and I totally forgot to go to the store for food. What’s worse? I. Was out. Of wine! How could I have let this happen?! Someone upstairs must hate me today (rule of thumb for mothers: place blame elsewhere…always). So, instead of going to get food, I plopped my kiddo in the stroller, walked with the speed of light to the wine store next door (yes, next door- a blessing or curse in disguise… you decide) and voila! Bought myself a sultry and too expensive beautiful bottle of Pinot Noir. Oh, yes, I did. “Food? Pshhh… I’ll throw some things in a pan!” “Crying baby? Double ppshh! I’ll turn on the tube while I throw things in a pan.’ “Students and looming dark concert cloud following my sanity to hell? Triple pshhh! I’ll drink that shit away!” I confess, those are the days where I very well might have the entire bottle of wine. Plus, that shit spoils if you leave it overnight, right? (wink)
In reality, at the end of the day, all is forgiven. When my little man tells me, “Mommy, Ms. J (his nanny) doesn’t have eyeballs,” or “When I get older I’ll have a vagina then, okay?” or “Mommy, you need lemon for the hummus. You don’t know?” After he had gotten me all of the hummus ingredients without me reminding him, and I had actually forgotten the lemon. What a precious piece of pie. He’s my main squeeze, and it is he who is truly my best medicine.
One More Sip of Whine
A holiday gift to yours truly was to get a move on with my book, “One More Sip of Whine.” It’s a book comprised of short stories about my adventure thus far, as a mother. It’s raw, real, honest, foul-mouthed, and I hope, hilarious. *Side note: As I write this, I am at a ‘child play land venue’ downtown Portland. Why do I love it? My child is amongst the other batshit crazy kiddos in what looks like a cage in a kiddie jungle, as I sit and type this with a glass of pinot grigio. Bless the man or woman who created this space. I think I’m in love with you… *Back to business: I’ve previously shared a few of my chapters (each short story is a chapter) with you all and thought that I’d share the beginning of the book: My introduction, and the shortest and very first chapter of my book, “Dear Abby.” I’m SO excited that my book has been through its beta readers and is now in the editing process! Do I realize the harsh reality of getting a book published? I think I do. I’m totally stoked about it anyway and am proud of myself for attempting to move in this direction!
I wrote another book about my experience as an expat in Beijing, China that I will self-publish when this current book is all said and done. It’s called, “Crazy China Sh#% (Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God? I do).” This book was written to better explain to my friends and family what my life was truly like on a daily basis whilst living in such a foreign place. I’ve just started 2 new books as well. My first ever, to be self-published, e-cookbook AND a book that details Greyson’s life as a 3 year old, month-by-month. Writing is my therapy and a place that lets me escape and relax, a comfy pocket of my life to retreat to. That being said, I love cooking & eating food just as much, hence this blog! And, I did name it foodgalleygab… let us not forget the ‘gab’ portion of this space and place! I’d love to hear your opinions on my intro and first chapter, or opinions on any of the other 3 chapters that I’ve previously posted. Many thanks and I hope you enjoy this crazy book journey with me, as I’ll post the whole process as it happens. Happy Saturday!
“One More Sip of Whine”
Introduction
I NEVER THOUGHT I’D BE WRITING this book because no one could’ve ever prepared me for the absolute insane and yet, insanely wonderful ins and outs of motherhood. There are no words, however, I’ve tried to use many in this book to describe to you my experiences. Did I ever expect that a little person would be poking me in the vajajay and screaming “vagiiinnnaaa!” Or shouting like a madman “I’m crazy, mommy! I’m so many women!” Excuse me? No, I absolutely did not expect this to be my life. It’s a totally and completely, crazy and fucked up ride. I’m not going to preach to you about the latest studies in child rearing because I’m making my own up as I go. Unless, of course, the study states something that I’m already doing right, in that case, I win. Killin’ it as a mama. I have no idea why I thought when I became a mother I’d be in the elite five percent of motherhood. I’ve been knocked off that pedestal… hard. Those elite moms are often what I will refer to as the ‘mother shamers’ in this book. Also, it’s a code name for ‘not taking responsibility and feeling totally okay about my batshit crazy child rearing ways.’ I’ll get all real on ya at times and explain the seriousness of some of my struggles, but the rest? Well, that’s just a comical twist on the fact that bringing a kid into this world challenges every last sane and sleep deprived bone in your body. And, that sometimes, I think a glass of wine is the best medicine for almost all child related ailments (for you of course, not your child, I’m not that much of an asshole).
It’s the moments when your kid escapes the shower wearing his underwear on the top of his head while shouting “I’m so cute!” And, now you’re running late to a birthday party only to notice you failed to put mascara on both eyes after you’re miles away from home, but your new philosophy since becoming a mom has become “fuck it!” To virtually every facet of your life. Phew! Words to live by. When the word ‘sex’ is something you think you remember from your college years, and the word ‘poop’ is something you use in almost every sentence. When you think the world is over because your child might not be going to Princeton, when in fact, he has yet to begin preschool, and you’ve not figured out why all the mother shamers got on that shit while their kid was still in utero. Yes, it’s all of these beautiful moments that at the end of the day, make your life so totally weird and nuts but somehow, makes it the best life you’ve ever lived.
My lil’ man is the coolest little shit on the block. His name is Greyson and he rocks at life. He was born in Beijing, China because I was working there at the time and I think that makes him even more rad. He is bilingual and bad ass and I love him more than Brad Pitt. G is the reason my world spins so crooked but so right. My husband, bless his Scottish heart, deals with our shit daily and I think is entertained by our unpredictable ways. And this, folks, is my life.
DEAR ABBY
DEAR ABBY:
I’m a total mess! I’ve screwed up and this mistake can’t be taken back. I’m losing my shit and it all began with me getting stupid drunk in Shanghai on Valentine’s Day almost three years ago. I mean, I could barely see straight kinda drunk. Weeks later, I found out I had done it; I’d gone and gotten myself good and knocked up. Fast forwarding, I now have this little baby… fast forwarding some more, I now have this little toddler… and his dad, my husband. My boobs have never felt the same and I barely breast fed (which I cried about daily for 6 months and am pretty sure I’ve been added to the Motherhood of Shame list. You don’t believe me? I assure you, it’s real. It’s a secret, or really, not so secret society of mother ‘shamers’), I’m developing cellulite overnight, my baby hair is coming in at a rapid rate and I regularly look like Alfalfa, my husband tells me I’m sexy and I tell him to ‘shut up’ because we both know that’s a big fat lie, and I’ve ignored my friends for approximately two years now guaranteeing me little return in the friendship department. I love my child but I think I love my brandy and wine almost as much. I thought I was a tiger mom but now I think I may be the most underachieving mother and wife who’s ever lived; and guess what, I’m TOTALLY okay with that! What’s wrong with me?! Am I going to hell in a hand basket with an empty bottle of booze?! Surely, the Devil knows this is my worst fate, and I will, therefore, receive just that. What can I do to score some sweet points with the Mother Goddesses? I’m a good person, I swear! Wait, I don’t think I’m supposed to swear. See! I don’t even know the rules of this sick and twisted game they’re calling “motherhood.” Help me, Abby! Help!
-MOMMIE DEAREST
DEAR MOMMIE DEAREST:
Has it occurred to you that you may be affecting your husband’s self-confidence and possibly giving your child a litany of bad examples with your love affair of alcohol and general disregard for the people in your life? You say you’re a ‘good person’ but this may not be the side of yourself that you’re letting your child, husband, and friends see or get to know. I’m not advocating for ‘tiger mom’s’, however, I do not think accepting failure is the alternative you should take. Perhaps reflect on the impact of your actions to others and to yourself, and then slowly make positive changes like thanking your husband and spending quality time playing with your child; pick up the phone occasionally to check-in on your friends to maintain or rebuild your relationships.
*FOUND ON GOOGLE IMAGES FROM CAFE MOM
A Series of Poems on Motherhood
Dear Moms (and Dads),
Here is a snippet from my upcoming book, “One More Sip of Whine.” It is 5 different styles of poems – mostly humorous. #3 is my particular fave. I have no doubt that you can relate! Parenthood is the craziest hood you’ll ever roll through. My goal was to express that in 5 short poems. I’d love your opinions before the editing of the book is completed so please leave comments! Enjoy the read!
Some Mothering Poems to You, From Me
1- Roses Are Black
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Someone took over your life that was you.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Your days are now filled with pee pee and poo.
Roses are black, violets are dead,
Deep down you must know you are out of your head.
2- A Haiku of Truth
Like thunder, their roar
Rain, your tears that start to pour
Scream, shriek, more, more, MORE!
3- A Tangled Slew of Rhyming Words
Shitting, pissing, screaming, unfit
Mommy shouting daddy “fuck it!”
Penis, ‘gina, keep your hands off!
Headaches, hormones, “need a wet cloth!”
Dolls that make shit tons of noise,
Oops! Mom broke those talking toys!
What the fuck was one and done?
I should’ve said “boy run or none!”
Thomas, Blippi, Tayo, Poli,
Oops! Mom ‘broke’ the fucking TV!
I want, I want, I want, MOMMY!
I give, I give, MY SANITY!
Hitter, biter, licker, kicker
Bruises, scratches, ice packs, LIQUOR!
Try to cook and then relax,
Mama needs her pills, XANAX!
Knock it over, pick it up!
Someone needs a bigger cup!
Tissues, boogers, burps, and farts,
Legos missing favorite parts,
Bath/story/bedtime blues,
Redundancy turns into booze,
I do not want green eggs and ham!
Shove it, be a fuckin’ man!
Brush your own teeth! Go to bed!
Where is my mind, I’ve lost my head…
4- A Cozy Couplet
Baby brewing in the womb
Sanity is leaving soon
5- Acrostic Poem for Dummies
Brainless act in Shanghai
Aspire for perfection – fail and sigh
Body shaming boobies – Buh-bye!
Your youth is gone – a new one – arise
*Found on Google images via PopSugar @ popsugar.com
Xanax & Xylophones/Husbands & Headaches
Xanax & Xylophones/Husbands & Headaches is a post from my up and coming book, “One More Sip of Whine.” It is a humorous tale of my experience in motherhood thus far. Crude, raw, honest, crass, foul mouthed in nature sums up this book. It will be released this summer on Amazon Kindle. Enjoy the chapter and keep a look out for the release! I will post on my blog when that date has arrived. Let me know your thoughts in the comments. Thanks!
Xanax & Xylophones/Husbands & Headaches
NOISE. HEADACHE. CHILD. HUSBAND. Noise. Headache. Child. Husband… and the cycle continues. It’s Groundhog’s day here at the Rugile/Burns household but I’m not getting paid Murray style moola for this gig. Through my long and winding road that I’ve travelled, where did I fail to turn towards the path of enlightenment? Maybe I should consider embracing Buddhism. I do love those bald and fat bellied statues, especially in my garden. Also, I think I could really get down with meditation, or at least the music, especially when coupled with a sweet massage. Lastly, I freakin’ love Thailand and any excuse to go back there is a good one.
I am sure I’ll mention this many times; I am a music teacher. Colleagues come into my classroom regularly and ask me how I cope with all of the incredible noise. To which I retort, “what noise? Oh, that? I’ve stopped hearing those sounds years ago.” I say this coupled with a ‘pish-posh-like’ flick of the hair and slight ‘tude. I don’t hear the children, their instruments, their exuberant yelps, dog like whines, cat clawing arguments etc. It’s not that I don’t give a crap, I have simply learned to block them out. I could never do this job if I heard every last itty bitty freakin’ bang, crash, or curse. I’d go “bleepin’” mental. However, when I am home, I hear everything. I hear lil’ G’s adorable laughter and Thomas’ (my husband) silly toddler voices and then… screech! The sound of a record going tits up and my ears and brain begin to bleed. Once the bleeding starts, it’s almost impossible to stop. In fact, I sometimes begin hemorrhaging. And then, once again, all of the mother shamers swim up, thirsty, ready to chew me to shreds. They can smell me from a million miles away. “There she goes again, ruining her child… again…” However, I should really say, “There she goes again, ruining her children… again…” Remember, I, too, am a wife, which means, I have a ‘huschild’. It goes a lil’ somethin’ like this: The banging of the metal xylophone (the loudest instrument on earth- thanks Gymboree), throw in the tambourine (Thomas’ go-to and most favorite musical toy- ‘bleep’ me), screaming, add some ‘singing’; “Danny Boy,” with some interesting lyrics and about 5 different key changes in one phrase, kill my musical ears now, Sky news (Thomas is Scottish) blaring from the television in the background, the sound of my somewhat broken drier banging harder than a whore and her pimp on a headboard, and then, right when my brain is about to spontaneously combust, someone decides now is a really great time to throw in the lovely timbre of the recorder, but not before shot-putting a couple of drum sticks in my general direction. I love my life, I love my life, I love my life, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can… Mommy needs a Xanax, ‘children’.
Now, every time, okay, almost every time I see/hear my munchkin doing/saying something that is fairly questionable I ask myself this, “What would Xanax Heather do?” and, voila! I have my answer!
Heather: “Sh**, should he be standing on the countertop that close to the edge?”
Xanax Heather: “‘Bleep’ it! He’s allllll gooood.!”
So, I go with the latter.
Heather: “Two pancakes. Greyson, mommy said only two pancakes!”
Xanax Heather: “‘Bleep’ it! Have three. No, ‘bleep’ that, have ten!” … “Let them eat cake! Let them alllll eat cake! Mwahahahahahahahaaaaaa!”
So, again, I go with the latter. Once adopting this new and glorious frame of mind, this adorable and insane new philosophy, I find myself breathing easier and needing “one less sip of whine.” Catch my drift? Good.
*A cleaned up version of a chapter in my upcoming book, “One More Sip of Whine,” which will be published on Amazon Kindle this summer. Tales of motherhood told through a raw, crude, foul mouthed, and humorous lens.
*Image from Dreamstime
https://www.dreamstime.com/stock-illustration-overwhelmed-mother-woman-messy-room-illustration-background-image53592840
-Written by,
Heather Rugile
Farewell, Beijing – The Exit of an Expat
(These photos are of my collection of face masks for polluted days)
Farewell, Beijing – the Exit of an Expat
The time had come. I woke up on an only somewhat smoggy day (good by China standards), looked around at my bare walled apartment, unplugged the air purifiers, took multiple videos of our home for my memory and future nostalgia, but mostly, for Greyson’s (my 20 month old) memory so he’ll always know where it all began…
I moved to Beijing, China on a two-year contract five years ago. I hopped on the plane in the beginning of September 2011 to start my contract teaching primary music at an international school. Upon arrival, I went to my fairly large 2-bedroom apartment. I had no introductions to anyone and was told to take the #75 bus to work the next morning. Needless to say, the English prompt on the bus was turned off and I got lost. Lost in a city with no one around me who spoke any English. I found the school… eventually. Was this experience to be the foreshadowing of my life here in China? Still, no fear. Lots of smog, mostly no English except for the other expats, and a place called Sanlitun where Westerners frequented.
Fast forwarding, I started to realize and feel the effects of the Beijing skies. Pollution was terrible and the world was starting to hear about it. The international community at large was now beginning to slightly understand what living “Under the Dome” might be like, look like, smell like. How could I raise Greyson in a place where I can’t open the windows? When the AQI (air quality index) was the only phone app I checked every day. Expats cruised around the city wearing masks. They were an almost daily part of our attire, of our existence here. I was constantly checking the apartment’s air quality with my special in-home air monitor. Debating whether or not I should tape the windows so that the lung infiltrating pieces of PM 2.5 (fine particulate matter) would have a slimmer chance of secretly seeping indoors. A world where there were, at times, 7-12 days where Greyson never saw the other side of the door.
Was it sometimes crazy being in a place where taxis had no seatbelts- how was I to get Greyson around? To my utter horror and disbelief, expat friends suggested I simply put him on my lap. These were normal, first world friends suggesting such insanity. This was not the time or an instance in which to adopt the “when in Rome” philosophy. I was not immersing in this way. No, ma’am. The roads were crazy, tuk-tuk fumes gave me headaches, albeit a far quicker ride than a taxi on most occasions, no one spoke my language, and the fact that day-to-day logic felt absent in this world, as it wasn’t my own. So, yes. Often times, it was crazy and frustrating. Many other expat friends I knew in Beijing felt the same and have since left. Though, there are friends I have that I believe may be Beijing ‘lifers.’ I admire this. I know not of what they are made. I find this to be a very impressive feat, and in a way, I envy them for this.
If it seems as though I did not enjoy Beijing, I truly did – just in other ways. I loved the experience of being in a completely different environment than I had previously known. Everything from epic travel adventures to a greater cultural understanding and appreciation has been gained. Greyson has been raised bilingually and is now, here in the US, in a Chinese immersion daycare and his life will be forever changed. I made so many wonderful friends from all over the world, and came back to the states with an appreciation for my country that I otherwise never would have had. I see and feel everything so differently right now. I am sure this will wane with time, however, I will do my best to remind myself of the basic freedoms I have here – clean potable water, healthy and breathable air, safe roads, law enforcement: efficiency and effectiveness. I now possess an internal sense of calm and happiness being home. I feel so lucky, so grateful, and so at peace. “I never would have found it if it weren’t for you.” Thank you, Beijing. “I think I’ll miss you most of all.”
Farewell.
-Your most grateful expat
