Red Alert (A parody of Adele’s “Hello”)

“Beijing issues red alerts when pollutants are forecast to push the air-quality index higher than 200 for at least four days, above 300 for two or more days or higher than 500 for 24 hours.” -CNN

Find the CNN article here. What that means is that schools, factories etc must shut down until the air clears.

Red Alert (A parody of Adele’s “Hello”) is something I wrote when I was still living in Beijing, China. The song had just been released, and I had these ridiculous lines about the Beijing smog that I had conjured up in my mind. So, I realized I needed to write them down. I have no idea how I decided to turn it into a parody of Adele’s “Hello,” but I did! And thus the birth of Red Alert. For those of you who aren’t familiar with China’s air, it is a very real problem. Beijing and other major cities are particularly effected by it. Everyday, I didn’t check the weather, I checked the AQI (air quality index) provided by the American Embassy. If it was over 200, as it often was, I wore a mask outside, and the children at my international school were not allowed to play outdoors. By the time I left Beijing, I had quite the collection of masks. Obviously, I had to turn them into a fashion accessory, duh! Our homes (expats) all had air purifiers in every room, as did the international schools. Sometimes, the sky was yellow in color, and there is NO mistaking the smell of bad pollution. It had an impact on my health as well. I think the highest I ever saw the AQI climb was 700+ (when the scale went that high). So fucking nuts!

I wrote an article about my exiting Beijing if you’re interested in more info. Click here to bring you directly to the link. Also, I wrote a very candid, raw, hopefully humorous, and foul-mouthed book about the difficulties I faced whilst living there. Of course I loved the shit out of it, however, there were SO MANY ridiculous and challenging aspects of life as an expat in Beijing, that I felt compelled to write a book about it! So I did. It is called, “Crazy China Shit.” Click here for the Amazon link. It will be available in paperback soon, too.

PS- Duh! Of course this is the video for this post! 😉

Red Alert Means Nothin’ Here (A parody of Adele’s “Hello”)

Hello, it’s me

I was hopin’ for some clean air

that I could use to breathe

For my lungs,

oh please

If you could rain and blow the wind

We’d really like the breeze

Expat friends, can ya hear me?

I’m in my mask dreamin’ of the days when I could see

The buildings out my window, oh please

I’ve forgotten how it felt when the air was fresh and clean

We need pollution gone forever,

or at least for today

Red Alert means nothin’ here!

All it does is instill fear!

My sister, and my mom, text me all the time,

“Oh my God! You Okay? Get outta that grime!”

If the AQI is far too high, six hundred in the freakin’ sky,

Maybe, our school, will close for the day,

stay at home, Facetime friends, and watch Youku in pj’s…

Oh yeah, mm-hmm

Hello, how are you?

It’s so typical of me to want the air so nice and clean

For my breathin’, oh yeah

The students need to leave the room

I need to feel fresh air

And it’s no secret that the both of us

Are running out of time

I know how it really feels,

You smell the air and it reveals,

That the sky is yellow, my lungs are at risk,

The children, stuck inside, and they’re makin’ me sick.

If they don’t get to go outside! I know I’m gonna lose my mind.

They’re cooped up everyday if it’s two hundred or more,

AQI, when can we, open our door?

To breathe clean?

Clean air

To breath clean?

Clean air

To breath clean?

Clean air

To breath clean?

To breath clean

I know from the outside, if the smog is stinkin’ then I’ll cry!

I’m sorry that we are, livin’ this way,

It’s a nightmare, that we, will have to stay.

Please wear your mask so tightly, you do not wanna breathe,

Toxic air that will harm you, you sit there and seethe, yellow smog, you astound me, oh why can’t you leave?