China Book Coming Soon!
Okay, so I’m even more excited about my China book making it out into the world than I was about my first e-cookbook! I started an outline of ridiculous stories that were happening to me and the people around me when I first moved to Beijing, China in 2011. This outline grew & grew over the five years that I was there. I finally began writing it my final year when I was alone with Greyson (my then newborn) every night. My husband was at work spending quiet time on his master’s so that he could change careers. Lots of craziness was going on and I needed an outlet. I thought it would be INSANELY difficult to put pen to paper and actually gather these thoughts, this outline, and try to form it into an actual book. Alas, it was not! It was word vomit spewing out of my mouth faster than my pen could move! I had never written a book before this and was surprised at how quickly and easily this process was moving along. It was f***ing awesome! I originally wrote it for my friends and family so that they could understand what expat life was truly like for me. It was impossible to share those stories when you had a 15 hour time difference and didn’t often have the opportunity to chat with people. When I did have a moment to talk with friends or family I wanted to tell the nicer stories, the shinier ones that were fun and exciting. I didn’t want to run through my daily horrors. That being said, this book, “Crazy China Sh**,” is about the insanity of being an expat in China. It’s told through my own personal lens and through stories from fellow expats as well. It’s foul-mouthed, funny, absurd, and almost unbelievable at times. Whether you plan on ever visiting or living abroad in such a place, it is a good read that will hopefully make you laugh out loud and appreciate the insanity of an expats life in China, or any other incredibly foreign place. Coming soon to Amazon! This book will be available in print, Kindle, and eventually, Audible as well. Woo-hoo! Here is a snippet to get you excited…
Chapter 1
ASININE ALICE
“Oh Alice, Alice, Alice.” This is a phrase I muttered on many occasions and on many days, often followed by many a stream of complete and utter verbal diarrhea. Alice was my welcome wagon upon arriving in Beijing. She continued to be this force of insanity in my life until she retired, two years ago. Judging by how quickly she went gray, from the day I met her until the day she left, I’d say it wasn’t a retirement as much as a timely retreat to save any ounce of sanity she had left. Okay, I feel badly about this introduction of Alice. She was, in fact, a very, very nice individual. However, as incredibly nice as she was, Alice was also incredibly inept and incompetent. (Incompetence will be a running theme in this book and quite possibly, or rather almost definitely, deserved an appearance in the title.) Alice’s job is to assist the foreign staff with their living needs. I’m not sure she ever read her job description.
Funny, my heart rate has literally just spiked whilst starting this chapter. This is a bad sign for my health and the future of this book. It could also be the fact that I’ve had two coffees, two oolong teas, and am on my second giant glass of red wine. No, no, we’ll go with the first of these two statements. Onwards.
When I was a teen, Go Ask Alice was one of my favorite books. I was tempted to name this chapter just that until I realized it would’ve read more like, “Go Ask Who? Are you f’ing insane?” or, “Great, just great! Like my problem wasn’t big enough already, now I have to go ask Alice?” and it would just have continued like this: “Instead of Alice having a serious problem with drugs, she had a serious problem with the most basic skill sets of her job.” The chapter title, “For F*** Sake, Alice!” would also be fitting.
Farewell, Beijing – The Exit of an Expat
(These photos are of my collection of face masks for polluted days)
Farewell, Beijing – the Exit of an Expat
The time had come. I woke up on an only somewhat smoggy day (good by China standards), looked around at my bare walled apartment, unplugged the air purifiers, took multiple videos of our home for my memory and future nostalgia, but mostly, for Greyson’s (my 20 month old) memory so he’ll always know where it all began…
I moved to Beijing, China on a two-year contract five years ago. I hopped on the plane in the beginning of September 2011 to start my contract teaching primary music at an international school. Upon arrival, I went to my fairly large 2-bedroom apartment. I had no introductions to anyone and was told to take the #75 bus to work the next morning. Needless to say, the English prompt on the bus was turned off and I got lost. Lost in a city with no one around me who spoke any English. I found the school… eventually. Was this experience to be the foreshadowing of my life here in China? Still, no fear. Lots of smog, mostly no English except for the other expats, and a place called Sanlitun where Westerners frequented.
Fast forwarding, I started to realize and feel the effects of the Beijing skies. Pollution was terrible and the world was starting to hear about it. The international community at large was now beginning to slightly understand what living “Under the Dome” might be like, look like, smell like. How could I raise Greyson in a place where I can’t open the windows? When the AQI (air quality index) was the only phone app I checked every day. Expats cruised around the city wearing masks. They were an almost daily part of our attire, of our existence here. I was constantly checking the apartment’s air quality with my special in-home air monitor. Debating whether or not I should tape the windows so that the lung infiltrating pieces of PM 2.5 (fine particulate matter) would have a slimmer chance of secretly seeping indoors. A world where there were, at times, 7-12 days where Greyson never saw the other side of the door.
Was it sometimes crazy being in a place where taxis had no seatbelts- how was I to get Greyson around? To my utter horror and disbelief, expat friends suggested I simply put him on my lap. These were normal, first world friends suggesting such insanity. This was not the time or an instance in which to adopt the “when in Rome” philosophy. I was not immersing in this way. No, ma’am. The roads were crazy, tuk-tuk fumes gave me headaches, albeit a far quicker ride than a taxi on most occasions, no one spoke my language, and the fact that day-to-day logic felt absent in this world, as it wasn’t my own. So, yes. Often times, it was crazy and frustrating. Many other expat friends I knew in Beijing felt the same and have since left. Though, there are friends I have that I believe may be Beijing ‘lifers.’ I admire this. I know not of what they are made. I find this to be a very impressive feat, and in a way, I envy them for this.
If it seems as though I did not enjoy Beijing, I truly did – just in other ways. I loved the experience of being in a completely different environment than I had previously known. Everything from epic travel adventures to a greater cultural understanding and appreciation has been gained. Greyson has been raised bilingually and is now, here in the US, in a Chinese immersion daycare and his life will be forever changed. I made so many wonderful friends from all over the world, and came back to the states with an appreciation for my country that I otherwise never would have had. I see and feel everything so differently right now. I am sure this will wane with time, however, I will do my best to remind myself of the basic freedoms I have here – clean potable water, healthy and breathable air, safe roads, law enforcement: efficiency and effectiveness. I now possess an internal sense of calm and happiness being home. I feel so lucky, so grateful, and so at peace. “I never would have found it if it weren’t for you.” Thank you, Beijing. “I think I’ll miss you most of all.”
Farewell.
-Your most grateful expat
