Intro. to “Crazy China Sh**,” & Other Sh**

Okay, this is my Friday post. A day late. Back at the doctor’s yesterday for the aftermath of this strep saga (insert gigantic sigh here). They finally gave me drugs, like real ones. I was basically ODing on Acetaminophen and that still wasn’t working. Welcome to opioids my friends. I am aware of the crazy crisis in this country, and it is personal to me, as a member of my extended family has had his life virtually ruined by them. However, a time and a place for everything, right? And, to my doctors’ credit (I’ve seen a few), it wasn’t until the 3rd visit that they prescribed me some, and quite a mild one I might add. Alas, I can now speak and swallow without wishing for death (I have a license in dramatics, just ask anyone who knows me). Hence the day late post.

Below is the introduction to my book, “Crazy China Sh**.” If you are interested in a humorous, foul-mouthed, and totally raw & real view of life as an expat in Beijing, China, check out this intro, and the other chapters I’ve released in this blog. Also, for a more extensive inside look into the book, check it out on Amazon here. It is available as an e-reader only (you can purchase and read with or without a Kindle), and will, one day, hopefully soon, though Lord knows with my list and the prioritizing I have to do, be available in print. My other book, “One More Sip of Whine,” is available here in print and as an e-reader. Check ’em out and please leave me a review on Amazon if you read either of them! -FGG

Red Alert

Expat Exposes All

“Crazy China Sh**”

(“Do you tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?” “I do.” True stories sans embellishments.)

Prologue

The Beijing world around us seems to be impenetrable to some people here. Nothing chips away at the natives’ thick skin. Perhaps it’s because these things would first have to chip through the enormously thick layers of smog. Yes, I went there. It’s too easy not to. You should expect me to “go there” many more times, too. I mean, shit. How could one write a book about Beijing and not reference the smog at least a few times. There are many of us out there who have become quite penetrable by the Beijing-ness surrounding us, and it starts to build, waver, and pile up until someone finally yells “Topple!”

Everyone’s reality is a bit different. Honestly, I think I know some pretty deluded fucks but never the less, and to those not particularly deluded, our perceptions of the things we experience daily are weighted differently. I somewhat envy those fucks. Anyway, since perception is reality some may think my story untrue (ehem-ehem, the deluded ones) or hyped for a good read. However, this is my take on it all. Are there so many awesome things I’ve done and seen here? For sure! I am not negating that. My purpose in writing this though is to finally be able to tell my closest peeps about the nitty gritty, the ins and outs, of being an expat in Beijing. The funny, absurd, frustrating, and batshit crazy moments that I never wanted to harp on when speaking to you all.

If one more person asks me about what my life was like there, I’m going to start wearing a sandwich board with bulleted points. When you see your friends and family, or when you actually get to speak to them, the last thing you want to do is complain about all of the “ish” around you. You tell the shiny, nice, and pretty stories. Otherwise, you’re the Debbie Downer. You’re that person, who is always complaining and appears too negative. Then again, if you do not communicate with these people on a regular basis, it would only be natural to have some crappier stories wrapped up with the shinier ones. Alas, people just don’t see it this way. You’re like reading the New York Times, The Daily News, or The Post (all depending on the type of person you are, of course). The result is similar: mostly disheartening and sometimes just ridiculous. Now if we could be like The Onion, I guess we’d all be a bit funnier and cooler. But I’m just not that funny or cool. Have you ever seen a unicorn climb over a rainbow, slide down, land in a pot of gold, and ride away with her leprechaun? No? Hmmm… What about the dog that ate your homework only after having helped you with it? Really? No? Lastly, have you ever seen a pig fly? I mean a p-i-g with its snout and all, fly with it’s pretty, little, pink pig wings high above your head. (Okay, I couldn’t resist the classic ‘pig fly’ line). Well, as rid-onc-ulous as the above mentioned may be, I can tell you that I would be apt to believe almost any of them after living here. Why? Because the unbelievable has proven believable in many a series of crazy circumstances that I’ve encountered over the past five years. (Yes, not four, not two, but a half of a decade – sounds crazier that way, right?)

Before we begin, I shall leave you with this:

“I pledge allegiance to the – “ no, that ‘s not correct.

“You have the right to remain – ” nope, that’s not it either.

“Truth?! You can’t handle the – ” Hmm… not there yet. Oh yes!

“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”

“I do.”

Oh good, that’s it. Okay, enough with the patriotic points, legal rights, and Hollywood-isms. And yes, in this book, “I do.”

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*A short video of my books! (Link above)