Halloween for Adults: Your Dos & Don’ts

Let’s face it, Halloween is the best time of year for your inner-child to come out and play. Here are some dos and don’ts for your Halloween experience this year, like, being creepy, but not land yourself in jail kind of creepy and ending up on some registry, scoring the best candy (I mean, not that shit that’ll take out your dentures or aging teeth), getting wasted on pumpkin beer and Halloween cocktails (yes, there are MANY), and picking the perfect costume (no Disney princes or princess’ welcome here – grow the fuck up!). Happy haunting, kids. Here’s to finding your loophole to youth.

DO

• Wear makeup or a mask to avoid the heckling of teenage assholes and the “what the’s” from adults with no soul who opens the door and dare to not give you candy (you know where they live, am I right?)

• Throw some eggs at that vile teenager next door who kicked your cat and called you fat. DISCLAIMER: Getaway vehicle, preferably something with a motor, needed. Our knees and backs hurt. Those fuckers are stupid but fast

• MUST: Do NOT dare go trick-or-treating sans alcohol. We may be old but we’re not masochists! Plus, everything is funnier when drunk. Especially your dumb neighbor’s toupee and their kid’s lazy eye

• Play hide-and-go-seek in a graveyard. It’s still fun (remember, you’re adults, in costumes, drinking in a graveyard. FUN). While there, pick a plot for you and a loved one. Just saying, the clock’s not moving backward, friends

• Scare the shit out of a random stranger. Not too young, that’s just cruel. Not too old, their heart is at risk. A viable option: some mangy teenager who farted in your general direction will do.

• Go to where the rich people live. Or, your local mafia houses. Guaranteed to not get candy corn, Clark Bars, Charleston Chews, or anything taffy (remember, you are old and so are your teeth). Almost always guaranteed to get king-sized candy bars. Score!

• Watch Freddie, or Jason, or those crazy kids in the cornfields or under the stairs movies and drink spiced rum and apple cider while you’re already toasted from drinking and trick-or-treating with face makeup running down your face and old farts partaking in all the glory using run-on sentences because you’re so drunk and you think that it’s really funny because you’re so old

DON’T

• Bring your friend who has kids or borrow their kid to go trick-or-treating. This is about YOU reliving your youth. Don’t squander this once a year opportunity by bringing the rug rats. Plus, they’ll out cute you in every way and make you look a little bit too tall

• Wear any costume a Disney character has worn, a twenty-one-year-old would wear (slutty firewoman, nurse…). Gravity is real, lest we not forget. Men, well, hide your beer belly and shave your beard – dead give-away

• Stay in all night and hand out candy. Get the fuck outta the house and start ringing some goddamn bells, friends! It’s called “please take one”

• Watch children’s Halloween movies. Unless it’s Charlie Brown and the Great Pumpkin because, duh! That was our time, folks. And, Charles M. Schulz will always rock

• Be sober. I repeat, DON’T BE SOBER. Scaring children, ridiculous cult movies, and trick-or-treating is a lot more fun when drunk. Remember, you only live once and you spent all of your youth doing it sans booze. This year, you’re a booze bag… and don’t you forget it!

• Get so drunk that you start crying on your friend’s shoulder about how you miss your childhood and that being an adult is scary and hard. NO! Halloween is supposed to be scary. Not your fucking divorce or stupid marketing job. #growthefuckup

• Complain that you’ve had too much sugar. Man up

• Bob for apples. That should NEVER have been okay. Disgusting… just absolutely, totally, mind-blowingly, freakin’ disgusting. Hello, influenza!

Okay, now that you know the dos and don’ts of this crazy thing we call Halloween, get out there and start your wild rumpus! Uuhh… I mean, go out there and stir some shit up, yo!