Dearest Clauses,
It’s that time time of year again! I’m sure you’re busy shinin’ up your sleigh, running reindeer drills & playing reindeer games, plumpin’ up to fit your suit, or if you’re like me, Mrs. Claus, slimmin’ down to fit your dress, and workin’ your elves to the bone (don’t forget labor laws you jolly old man! Santa or not, they’ll be a’ comin’ for you! Celebrities are no longer enjoying backdoor bullshit and shenanigans. You’ll be outed for your ill behavior in no time! Those elves are unionizing and ready to spill)!
I get it. You’re busy bumpkins. I know loads of children are gearing up to write you letters and you’ll soon be bombarded, so I’m hoping you’ll get mine first and therefore grant all of my heart’s desires! I promise, I’ve been a very good girl. 😉 …
1- A 3rd arm- prosthetic- I’ll get tons of shit done in no time! Plus, I can clean, eat, and drink simultaneously. WORD!
2- Botox. ‘Cause let’s be straight here, age is taking its toll
3- David Boreanaz. Well, because, DUH! And also because I had a sex dream about him the other night and feel like I gotta see this thing through – Commitment, right?!
4- A year’s supply of vodka, lemons, and soda water canisters for my Soda Stream. Lord knows mama needs her booze!
5- One hour of sheer and utter motivation in a room with zero distractions, so that I may have the energy and time to workout, and bring my sexy back
6- A full-time masseuse – on call at all times of day and night (in the form of a Swedish God)
7- A full-time therapist – on call at all times of day and night (someone heaven sent)
8- A full-time cleaning crew – on call every morning & night (who all look like David Boreanaz & Brad Pitt)
9- My sanity back – I lost this bitch 4 years ago. I think it’s about time we become reacquainted with one another
10- A magic little pill that turns carbohydrates into calorie burning, so that I may continue my carb-whore ways, and return to a svelte body in a mere matter of weeks
11- Oh yeah, peace on earth, unicorns, cure for AIDS, mermaids, a place for all immigrants, magical Leprechauns with pots of gold, and chickens & goats – because it would be a sea of the cutest stupidity one has ever seen, and my kid would love it
I hope this letter finds you well.
These are gifts no one will sell.
Leave them all underneath my tree,
I just may leave you a tasty brandy.
Up-up and away from house-to-house,
I’ll hold back Ms. Claus so you may open a blouse. 😉
A woman who looks like a 20 Ms. Claus,
you go have your fun,
the reindeer will pause.
No one speaks a word, not even me,
now we’ll all get our gifts and be very merry.
I give you yours, and you give me mine,
that’s the deal, jolly man, let’s handshake with wine.
For nobody knows of your drunken sleigh rides,
and that is my leverage so you keep your disguise.
Naughty not nice you certainly be,
now give me my gifts nicely under my tree!
Love, Heather (the nicest of naughty)
PS- For my Santa letters from other years, click here!
PPS- For your listening pleasure. Felt this was appropriate! 😉
