Dear Santa Baby

Dear Santa Baby is a post of two letters that I’ve written to “Santa.” My mother always asks me what I want for Christmas via email and I always respond with a list, and then a fictitious letter to the jolly old dude. If you don’t want insight into my ‘interesting’ sense of humor, workings of my odd brain, if you’re easily offended, or don’t think life is funny and meant to be laughed at, stop reading now and just continue to follow my blog for the good eats. 😉 I mean, my true wishes? To be a blogger full time, to publish an amazing cookbook with a bonafide publisher. For my book, “One More Sip of Whine,” to hit the ground running and find an incredible publisher to work with, and, of course, to find a magic skinny and happy pill. One that puts me in both of those states permanently. Hehe… seriously though, those are my magical wishes. 

My first Santa letter is the one that I’ve just written to my momma, and the second letter is one that I randomly just found from 2008! Enjoy, and I hope you still come back to my blog for more of me and my grub. Happy holidays friends and followers! MWAH! XO

Dear Santa Baby,

This year’s been a rough one, sir. New house, new three-nager, the ol’ ball n’ chain, and of course, the turds and turdettes that I teach daily. I know, I know, I can feel your tears for me now, and I knew you’d understand. This being said, I think I’ve been an extra good girl this year, as I’ve endured the wrath of ‘poverty’ (house poor), politics (Trump-o-la), and pain (I have a hus-child, ya know). What more can a girl go through before the good people of the Lotto decide that my good reward should come now, this very year, this very Christmas, and be GRANNNDDDD. 

A few things: My closet and all of its glorious inhabitants have been suffering from a severe lack of vitamin D, as I’ve gotten fat and can’t wear those goods in the outdoor venue in which they are so deserving of. Also, I live in OR so naturally, my skin is suffering from the same lack of vitamin D. This all being said, I would like the following 2 things from you:

1- A magic skinny pill so that I can eat everything I want and still maintain the svelte figure of Giselle Bundchen. Thanks

2- A trip to Bora Bora for some well-needed sunshine, sanity, and surf

Also, I’ve been thinking… I know, I know, I should really stop doing that so much but my brain moves faster than my mouth and we ALL know how much I like to talk, right? I digress, I’ve been thinking about my house. I mean yeah, it’s great and all but it’s certainly limiting! It’s like a marriage. You marry one man, one woman, and you’re expected to never kiss or sleep with another one again?! This is depressing in nature to me. If I must come to accept this, then I believe the same limitations most certainly shouldn’t apply to my house. I can’t be stuck here, living in this one spot, using this one stove, mowing this one lawn forever, right?! That being said, I need more. Think polygamy for houses. When you’re sick of the one, you move on to the other, and then, even possibly another, and of course, you can rinse, recycle, repeat. Catch my drift? Now, that I’ve enlightened you with this shining example of what life should TRULY look like, I would ask for the following: *(Remember, I’ve been pretty bad ass this year)!

1A- A house on the coast

2B- A cabin in Mt Hood

3C- A small farmhouse in a town not exceeding a population of 1000 people in a beautiful Connecticut or Vermont township

Now, I could quite easily go on, however, I know your sleigh, though mighty, and your reindeer, though magical, can only take on so much, and, I do want others to receive their Santa savvy gifts, so I shall stop here. I promise you cookies, cocoa, and a sexy picture of the Misses (Claus that is) upon your arrival.

Many moons, hearts, rainbows, and snowflakes to you, dearest old man. Jolliest of Saints. I bid you adieu… 

Much love,

Heather Baby (2017)

 

Dear Santa,

Ho, ho, hoooooo!!!! And a bottle of rum!!! Stress of the economy sent Santa straight to fun!
Taking his sleigh for a joyride one night, too much to drink and crash! On the elves site!
The elves being peeved cared not for his sorrow, the cops showed up and a D.U.I. soon did follow.
Now Santa with his political clout,

got rid of the charges, no question or doubt. 

This year he’d be charged per package when flying!
Now little Johnny will look under his tree crying. 🙁
“Oh Santa, Santa what can we do?!”
“Rid McCain and his little ‘elves’ too!”
Let us turn this world into a much better place, the Christmas wish now the image of Obama’s face!
Can he do it?! This jolly old man?! “Oh, please dear Santa!” I hope that he can!
So ho, ho, hoooo! and a bottle of rum, let Santa fly his sleigh while the cops play dumb! 🙂

Wish List:
1.) Biolage shampoo and conditioner
2.) Sebastian’s Potion # 9 (hair stuff-you used to have it too – it’s a white aluminum tube with orange hair potion)
3.) Any kind of clothing gift cards – Forever 21, Nordstrom
4.) Yoga ball
5.) Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen’s new book-“Influences.” This is currently on sale at Barnes and Nobles for 20% off
6.) Nice socks. Not workout ones. Nice ones. THIN nice socks.
7.) One billllllion dollars
8.) A career starting at 100,000 dollars/year
9.) My Ferrari – yes I stiiiilll want my Ferrari
10.) A personal masseuse-preferably a Swedish “Meatball”
11.) A “Hey!  You’re great! Here’s a Master’s! For free! No classes needed! Take it! No really just take it! Take the diploma! Me-“OOOhhh thank you soooo much!!!!”
12.) A time machine. I’d really like one that fits in my pocket. You know, it’ll be my pocket pal.
13.) The destruction of elephants. No, not the reeeaaal ones, the political ones. “Of course, it hurts!!!! You’re getting screwed by an elephant!” Hehe 😉

THANK YOU SANTA!!!!!!!!!!! Or shall I say Mrs. Clause!!!! (We know who’s the reeeaaal brains behind that fat ol’ belly)!!!!!

Your most loving blondie from the NE, currently residing in the NW,

Heather (2008)