Okay, so I’m even more excited about my China book making it out into the world than I was about my first e-cookbook! I started an outline of ridiculous stories that were happening to me and the people around me when I first moved to Beijing, China in 2011. This outline grew & grew over the five years that I was there. I finally began writing it my final year when I was alone with Greyson (my then newborn) every night. My husband was at work spending quiet time on his master’s so that he could change careers. Lots of craziness was going on and I needed an outlet. I thought it would be INSANELY difficult to put pen to paper and actually gather these thoughts, this outline, and try to form it into an actual book. Alas, it was not! It was word vomit spewing out of my mouth faster than my pen could move! I had never written a book before this and was surprised at how quickly and easily this process was moving along. It was f***ing awesome! I originally wrote it for my friends and family so that they could understand what expat life was truly like for me. It was impossible to share those stories when you had a 15 hour time difference and didn’t often have the opportunity to chat with people. When I did have a moment to talk with friends or family I wanted to tell the nicer stories, the shinier ones that were fun and exciting. I didn’t want to run through my daily horrors. That being said, this book, “Crazy China Sh**,” is about the insanity of being an expat in China. It’s told through my own personal lens and through stories from fellow expats as well. It’s foul-mouthed, funny, absurd, and almost unbelievable at times. Whether you plan on ever visiting or living abroad in such a place, it is a good read that will hopefully make you laugh out loud and appreciate the insanity of an expats life in China, or any other incredibly foreign place. Coming soon to Amazon! This book will be available in print, Kindle, and eventually, Audible as well. Woo-hoo! Here is a snippet to get you excited…
Chapter 1
ASININE ALICE
“Oh Alice, Alice, Alice.” This is a phrase I muttered on many occasions and on many days, often followed by many a stream of complete and utter verbal diarrhea. Alice was my welcome wagon upon arriving in Beijing. She continued to be this force of insanity in my life until she retired, two years ago. Judging by how quickly she went gray, from the day I met her until the day she left, I’d say it wasn’t a retirement as much as a timely retreat to save any ounce of sanity she had left. Okay, I feel badly about this introduction of Alice. She was, in fact, a very, very nice individual. However, as incredibly nice as she was, Alice was also incredibly inept and incompetent. (Incompetence will be a running theme in this book and quite possibly, or rather almost definitely, deserved an appearance in the title.) Alice’s job is to assist the foreign staff with their living needs. I’m not sure she ever read her job description.
Funny, my heart rate has literally just spiked whilst starting this chapter. This is a bad sign for my health and the future of this book. It could also be the fact that I’ve had two coffees, two oolong teas, and am on my second giant glass of red wine. No, no, we’ll go with the first of these two statements. Onwards.
When I was a teen, Go Ask Alice was one of my favorite books. I was tempted to name this chapter just that until I realized it would’ve read more like, “Go Ask Who? Are you f’ing insane?” or, “Great, just great! Like my problem wasn’t big enough already, now I have to go ask Alice?” and it would just have continued like this: “Instead of Alice having a serious problem with drugs, she had a serious problem with the most basic skill sets of her job.” The chapter title, “For F*** Sake, Alice!” would also be fitting.
