Dear Moms (and Dads),
Here is a snippet from my upcoming book, “One More Sip of Whine.” It is 5 different styles of poems – mostly humorous. #3 is my particular fave. I have no doubt that you can relate! Parenthood is the craziest hood you’ll ever roll through. My goal was to express that in 5 short poems. I’d love your opinions before the editing of the book is completed so please leave comments! Enjoy the read!
Some Mothering Poems to You, From Me
1- Roses Are Black
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Someone took over your life that was you.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Your days are now filled with pee pee and poo.
Roses are black, violets are dead,
Deep down you must know you are out of your head.
2- A Haiku of Truth
Like thunder, their roar
Rain, your tears that start to pour
Scream, shriek, more, more, MORE!
3- A Tangled Slew of Rhyming Words
Shitting, pissing, screaming, unfit
Mommy shouting daddy “fuck it!”
Penis, ‘gina, keep your hands off!
Headaches, hormones, “need a wet cloth!”
Dolls that make shit tons of noise,
Oops! Mom broke those talking toys!
What the fuck was one and done?
I should’ve said “boy run or none!”
Thomas, Blippi, Tayo, Poli,
Oops! Mom ‘broke’ the fucking TV!
I want, I want, I want, MOMMY!
I give, I give, MY SANITY!
Hitter, biter, licker, kicker
Bruises, scratches, ice packs, LIQUOR!
Try to cook and then relax,
Mama needs her pills, XANAX!
Knock it over, pick it up!
Someone needs a bigger cup!
Tissues, boogers, burps, and farts,
Legos missing favorite parts,
Redundancy turns into booze,
I do not want green eggs and ham!
Shove it, be a fuckin’ man!
Brush your own teeth! Go to bed!
Where is my mind, I’ve lost my head…
4- A Cozy Couplet
Baby brewing in the womb
Sanity is leaving soon
5- Acrostic Poem for Dummies
Brainless act in Shanghai
Aspire for perfection – fail and sigh
Body shaming boobies – Buh-bye!
Your youth is gone – a new one – arise
Xanax & Xylophones/Husbands & Headaches is a post from my up and coming book, “One More Sip of Whine.” It is a humorous tale of my experience in motherhood thus far. Crude, raw, honest, crass, foul mouthed in nature sums up this book. It will be released this summer on Amazon Kindle. Enjoy the chapter and keep a look out for the release! I will post on my blog when that date has arrived. Let me know your thoughts in the comments. Thanks!
Xanax & Xylophones/Husbands & Headaches
NOISE. HEADACHE. CHILD. HUSBAND. Noise. Headache. Child. Husband… and the cycle continues. It’s Groundhog’s day here at the Rugile/Burns household but I’m not getting paid Murray style moola for this gig. Through my long and winding road that I’ve travelled, where did I fail to turn towards the path of enlightenment? Maybe I should consider embracing Buddhism. I do love those bald and fat bellied statues, especially in my garden. Also, I think I could really get down with meditation, or at least the music, especially when coupled with a sweet massage. Lastly, I freakin’ love Thailand and any excuse to go back there is a good one.
I am sure I’ll mention this many times; I am a music teacher. Colleagues come into my classroom regularly and ask me how I cope with all of the incredible noise. To which I retort, “what noise? Oh, that? I’ve stopped hearing those sounds years ago.” I say this coupled with a ‘pish-posh-like’ flick of the hair and slight ‘tude. I don’t hear the children, their instruments, their exuberant yelps, dog like whines, cat clawing arguments etc. It’s not that I don’t give a crap, I have simply learned to block them out. I could never do this job if I heard every last itty bitty freakin’ bang, crash, or curse. I’d go “bleepin’” mental. However, when I am home, I hear everything. I hear lil’ G’s adorable laughter and Thomas’ (my husband) silly toddler voices and then… screech! The sound of a record going tits up and my ears and brain begin to bleed. Once the bleeding starts, it’s almost impossible to stop. In fact, I sometimes begin hemorrhaging. And then, once again, all of the mother shamers swim up, thirsty, ready to chew me to shreds. They can smell me from a million miles away. “There she goes again, ruining her child… again…” However, I should really say, “There she goes again, ruining her children… again…” Remember, I, too, am a wife, which means, I have a ‘huschild’. It goes a lil’ somethin’ like this: The banging of the metal xylophone (the loudest instrument on earth- thanks Gymboree), throw in the tambourine (Thomas’ go-to and most favorite musical toy- ‘bleep’ me), screaming, add some ‘singing’; “Danny Boy,” with some interesting lyrics and about 5 different key changes in one phrase, kill my musical ears now, Sky news (Thomas is Scottish) blaring from the television in the background, the sound of my somewhat broken drier banging harder than a whore and her pimp on a headboard, and then, right when my brain is about to spontaneously combust, someone decides now is a really great time to throw in the lovely timbre of the recorder, but not before shot-putting a couple of drum sticks in my general direction. I love my life, I love my life, I love my life, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can… Mommy needs a Xanax, ‘children’.
Now, every time, okay, almost every time I see/hear my munchkin doing/saying something that is fairly questionable I ask myself this, “What would Xanax Heather do?” and, voila! I have my answer!
Heather: “Sh**, should he be standing on the countertop that close to the edge?”
Xanax Heather: “‘Bleep’ it! He’s allllll gooood.!”
So, I go with the latter.
Heather: “Two pancakes. Greyson, mommy said only two pancakes!”
Xanax Heather: “‘Bleep’ it! Have three. No, ‘bleep’ that, have ten!” … “Let them eat cake! Let them alllll eat cake! Mwahahahahahahahaaaaaa!”
So, again, I go with the latter. Once adopting this new and glorious frame of mind, this adorable and insane new philosophy, I find myself breathing easier and needing “one less sip of whine.” Catch my drift? Good.
*A cleaned up version of a chapter in my upcoming book, “One More Sip of Whine,” which will be published on Amazon Kindle this summer. Tales of motherhood told through a raw, crude, foul mouthed, and humorous lens.
*Image from Dreamstime
(These photos are of my collection of face masks for polluted days)
Farewell, Beijing – the Exit of an Expat
The time had come. I woke up on an only somewhat smoggy day (good by China standards), looked around at my bare walled apartment, unplugged the air purifiers, took multiple videos of our home for my memory and future nostalgia, but mostly, for Greyson’s (my 20 month old) memory so he’ll always know where it all began…
I moved to Beijing, China on a two-year contract five years ago. I hopped on the plane in the beginning of September 2011 to start my contract teaching primary music at an international school. Upon arrival, I went to my fairly large 2-bedroom apartment. I had no introductions to anyone and was told to take the #75 bus to work the next morning. Needless to say, the English prompt on the bus was turned off and I got lost. Lost in a city with no one around me who spoke any English. I found the school… eventually. Was this experience to be the foreshadowing of my life here in China? Still, no fear. Lots of smog, mostly no English except for the other expats, and a place called Sanlitun where Westerners frequented.
Fast forwarding, I started to realize and feel the effects of the Beijing skies. Pollution was terrible and the world was starting to hear about it. The international community at large was now beginning to slightly understand what living “Under the Dome” might be like, look like, smell like. How could I raise Greyson in a place where I can’t open the windows? When the AQI (air quality index) was the only phone app I checked every day. Expats cruised around the city wearing masks. They were an almost daily part of our attire, of our existence here. I was constantly checking the apartment’s air quality with my special in-home air monitor. Debating whether or not I should tape the windows so that the lung infiltrating pieces of PM 2.5 (fine particulate matter) would have a slimmer chance of secretly seeping indoors. A world where there were, at times, 7-12 days where Greyson never saw the other side of the door.
Was it sometimes crazy being in a place where taxis had no seatbelts- how was I to get Greyson around? To my utter horror and disbelief, expat friends suggested I simply put him on my lap. These were normal, first world friends suggesting such insanity. This was not the time or an instance in which to adopt the “when in Rome” philosophy. I was not immersing in this way. No, ma’am. The roads were crazy, tuk-tuk fumes gave me headaches, albeit a far quicker ride than a taxi on most occasions, no one spoke my language, and the fact that day-to-day logic felt absent in this world, as it wasn’t my own. So, yes. Often times, it was crazy and frustrating. Many other expat friends I knew in Beijing felt the same and have since left. Though, there are friends I have that I believe may be Beijing ‘lifers.’ I admire this. I know not of what they are made. I find this to be a very impressive feat, and in a way, I envy them for this.
If it seems as though I did not enjoy Beijing, I truly did – just in other ways. I loved the experience of being in a completely different environment than I had previously known. Everything from epic travel adventures to a greater cultural understanding and appreciation has been gained. Greyson has been raised bilingually and is now, here in the US, in a Chinese immersion daycare and his life will be forever changed. I made so many wonderful friends from all over the world, and came back to the states with an appreciation for my country that I otherwise never would have had. I see and feel everything so differently right now. I am sure this will wane with time, however, I will do my best to remind myself of the basic freedoms I have here – clean potable water, healthy and breathable air, safe roads, law enforcement: efficiency and effectiveness. I now possess an internal sense of calm and happiness being home. I feel so lucky, so grateful, and so at peace. “I never would have found it if it weren’t for you.” Thank you, Beijing. “I think I’ll miss you most of all.”
-Your most grateful expat
*As featured on foodgawker.com!
Warm & Delicious Spiked Choco-Coffee will definitely warm your winter soul with some special fuzzy feelings! Amarula, vodka, Grand Marnier, hot chocolate, and coffee. Top it with whipped cream, chocolate shavings, and a sprinkle of hot chocolate for your extra fancy self! It’s guaranteed to kick your booty, send you smilin’ to the stars, and is simply incredibly tasty. Bored of your typical spiked coffees? Give this one a whirl and I promise you’ll be going for round 2! How was this cocktail created? IKEA. Yes, that is my answer. Whatever do I mean? Well, let the tale begin…
Since I’ve had a baby and the air quality in Beijing can ruin weekends, I don’t really go out anymore. If you are reading this and you know me I have no doubt you’re in total and utter disbelief! 😉 I got super excited when I made plans with my Beijing bestie, Alana. What were we going to do on this fine Saturday afternoon? Go to IKEA together. Seriously, I was teeming with excitement for 2 weeks leading up to this Saturday. We both needed to stock up on supplies. Also, I have always wanted to go back to IKEA with my camera (not just my iPhone) to take pictures of the countless individuals sleeping, yes, full out sleeping, on the display beds at this fine establishment. Once, there was even a family eating their own noodles in an IKEA kitchen display. I sh#% you not. Last year, a rumor went around stating IKEA had banned people in China from sleeping on their furniture. However, it was just that, a rumor. Learning that the thrill of a good nap was still alive & kickin’, I told Alana we had to go there with my Canon and a super yummy and strong cocktail to further our entertainment value. We did it, and it was AWESOME! We walked around, took pics, drank our Warm & Delicious Spiked Choco-Coffee, got pretty toasted, pretended to sleep on beds, and shopped. The two of us definitely came home with more than a few unnecessary items and a bit of a stumble!
If you want to have an amazing day at a Chinese IKEA, I strongly suggest drinking a Warm & Delicious Spiked Choco-Coffee. Obviously, many of you reading this blog do not live in China, so for you, I strongly suggest this tasty libation next time you have a nice cold day with a friend over. Perhaps Google people sleeping in beds at IKEA for your entertainment as well. Sip, slurp, get your buzz on, pink up those cheeks, and enjoy!
The first set of pictures below are the ones of the lovely IKEA adventure. Please keep scrolling to see the Warm & Delicious Spiked Choco-Coffee pictures and recipe!
- 1/4 tsp Grand Marnier
- 1-2 ounces Amarula (or Bailey's)
- 1 ounce vodka
- 1 tsp hot chocolate powder (more for a garnish if you'd like)
- Hot coffee
- Whipped cream (optional)
- Chocolate Shavings (optional)
- Fill your mug of choice with coffee - about 3/4 full
- Pour in your 3 liquors and hot chocolate powder - stir well
- Optional: Garnish with a nice heaping of whipped cream, top with chocolate shavings, and sprinkle with hot coco powder
- I truly prefer Amarula to Bailey's for this drink. Do not operate heavy machinery while drinking or soon afterwards!